Years ago, when my niece, Lauren, was about two years old, she coughed.
Perhaps the cough was a bit louder or longer than usual. Maybe it was a tad phlegmy. Perhaps it was followed by a hiccup. I’m not sure, but something about this cough made it more special than other coughs. The cough’s significance, however, did not escape my sister, Gina.
Gina proceeded to feel Lauren’s forehead, press her ear up against her chest, and look in the child’s mouth, ears, and nose.
My grandmother and I watched this do-it-yourself doctoring with fascination. When Grandma and I weren’t staring at Gina’s antics, we glanced at each other and chatted telepathically:
“Lauren just coughed, right? We didn’t not see something, right? Is the kid bleeding out her eyes? Is her skin sloughing off? Did she cough up a less essential internal organ – like a gall bladder or a meatball-size chunk of liver?”
Eventually, Gina completed her examination and declared that an appointment with the pediatrician would be necessary. “Just to be safe,” she said with an assertive nod.
At that, Grandma turned to me, sighed and said, “That sister of yours takes those kids to the doctor if they fart crooked.”
I then laughed for the next three days.
That line, in my view, is the quintessential Grandma quote, a fine example of her crass and caustic German humor. But the writer part of me digs the line, too, because it does such a good job in describing who the speaker is. It’s a line with a built in backstory.
First off, doesn’t that line seem tailor made for an elderly person? It’s a great zinger, but the zinger doesn’t sound modern. “Fart crooked?” There’s a sort of do-it-yourself old-fashioned construction to the phrase. (It reminds me of a bon mot from an older woman I used to work with; she described her old car as a “turd boiler.”) Someone who says “fart crooked” (or turd boiler) probably also says “clicker” instead of “remote” and “ice box” instead of “refrigerator.”
“Fart crooked” suggests a working class background to me, too — though I’m not exactly sure why. I’m stereotyping, I suppose. “Fart crooked” just doesn’t seem to be a natural fit for The Lord of the Manor.
Also a line like that can only be uttered by a parent, I think. It suggests a certain type of parent, too – one who says, “Get outta my house and don’t come back ’till supper.” Such a parent does not take a kid to the doctor because of a cough – and is more than happy to mock a parent who would. Grandma’s line declares, “I speak from experience. And you know nothing.”
See why the writer in me loves that line? It’s not just a fart joke. It’s a fart joke with subtext! When I write characters for the stage, I love to discover lines that not only show a character’s personality, but also suggest a character’s life story.
Like most writers out there, I have a file filled with Story Ideas. I also have a binder ring of Meaty Quotes. In it are dialogue snippets that I hope to use in a story someday. I recommend this technique highly. Even if you never use any of the quotes, the file will always be good for a few laughs.
Most of the quotes I have accumulated have been uttered by members my family — so my file doubles as an instant fond-memory generator.
My Grandma has been dead for many years now, but her smart remarks live on. And I still can’t help but laugh.
Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! 
Love love love love love your grandma and your meaty quote book. It could probably be published without any subtext. 🙂
Grandma was a pistol, that for sure!
“a fart joke with subtext”—Well, it doesn’t get any better than that. 😉
Wonderful post. I never thought to collect quotes from my family members, but what a great idea. I only wish my own grandmother was still around, because I’m sure she had a collection of great zingers, too.
I’ll bet you still remember a few of your grandma’s zingers, though, amirite?
I do. 🙂
Well, then get crackin’! 🙂
Great post, Mike! And great idea re keeping a binder just for quotes. Your grandma sounds like she was a real hoot! Awesome quote!
She was a hoot-and-a-half. Grandma also uttered a lot of zingers that are not suitable for a G-rated blog.
I love that ‘instant fond memory generator’ You could so easily swap fond for fart. Love these stories!
I couldn’t swap “fond” for “fart” as I don’t have too many gaseous emissions that I wish to remember.
Ha ha!
So true about how the words tell a lot about the speaker – so important to a writer… and reader! And really. How can you not LOVE a fart joke with subtext? You just don’t hear them every day 🙂
We Allegras understand flatulence humor on a deeper level than most people. It’s a point of pride.
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!! Family paydirt! That’s one of the many reasons I love going back to the midwest to visit all the relatives. There are lots of interesting expressions used to comment on other people and their actions or to simply discuss the weather. The Bay Area is stuffed with people who’ve had all the interesting words and phrases edgimicated out of them, so their comments are more dull but pristine. That’s also why I love British humor. It is often biting and original.
I don’t have an organized quote file (disorganized, yes), and it’s high time I made one. I hadn’t thought about the ring thing. That makes them readily accessible, doesn’t it? Hmmmmmm
And it sounds like you’re revisiting your stage characters. Am I right?
Ooh, that edgimacation! Always getting in the way of a good Meaty Quote!
I am not writing plays right now. But, yes, I do plan to soon.
Love the quote binder. I have them scattered and in my “notes” on my iPhone. A physical backup would be nice.
As I am rather suspicious of technology, I always make sure that all my nonsense is written down on good old-fashioned paper.
Your grandma and my grandfather would have gotten along just fine. Grandpa always tells it straight, but with a twist of humor.
“Straight talking” is a common trait among the elderly, isn’t it?
A superb quote! Your Grandma’s certainly worthy of a dedicated quote collector like yourself. I love that idea of a ring of quotes. My sister has started keeping a book for each of her kids, of the funny things they’ve said as they’ve grown up (they’re currently 14, 12 and 8) one of which involved my nephew’s response to a poem I’d written, which talked about ‘an over active inner child’ and he said, ‘Oh, I didn’t know Harula was pregnant?!’ Classic! H xxx
Please tell me this was your response:
“Oh, I’m not pregnant. I just find children delicious!”
‘It’s a line with a built in backstory.’ So glad you shared the line and the backstory with us. So many times we hear something intriguing, but instead of hearing the backstory we usually on get ‘you had to be there’. Not satisfying at all! Thanks for the backstory!
I have to reveal the backstory. The frontstory hasn’t happened yet!
That quote is brilliant! So is your idea of collecting them on a ring the way you do. Your Grandmother sounds like she could have given the, “Shit My Dad Says” guy a run for his money. Now there is a conversation I would like to be a fly on a wall for.
Perhaps we will witness that conversation in the next life…
I love your Grandma. What a howl. I like her style. 😀 😀
Oh, she was a pip, Tess. Trust me on that one.
I do. 😀
Haha! “Fart Crooked” for a novel has bestseller written all over it. What a phenomenal thing to say. I have a journal with novel ideas where I also add life quotes as they happen. Good tool!
If you want to write a novel titled “Fart Crooked,” I will not stand in your way. (Though, to me, it sounds more like the title of one of those idiotic management books: “Fart Crooked: How to Diverge from the Well-Worn Corporate Path.”
Holy crap, that’s hilarious! It totally sounds like one of those corporate books.
I think I’ll work on a draft.
Am I the only one who wants to jump to Gina’s defense here??? Jeez. So many great plans derailed by a sick kid’s phlegmy cough….
Go go Grandma!
So far you are the only Gina defender. For shame, Cathy. For shame.
Oh your Grandma is a woman after my own heart. Thank you for your post also, because I feel like I can finally admit something I have been hiding for so long: I fart crooked. There, I said it. It feels so good to let it out. Even if it comes out crooked.
But which direction?
I just want to make sure I am sitting on the fart-free side of you the next time we have lunch.
You’re confusing Crooked Farting with One Directional Farting. A crooked fart is more like a curve ball and wild pitch mixed together. And it almost always hits the batter.
Hm. Perhaps we can have our next lunch over Skype.
Or we could do a twitter chat, but you’ll have to get on twitter first!
Well, that ain’t happenin’ any time soon!
Fantastic idea. Give us more from your quote collection!
Hm! That sounds like a nice little semi-regular blog department, doesn’t it?
Oh that IS good. And your analysis seems spot on. She was on to a winner by just using the fart word anyway, but the addition of “crooked” is fantastic. I’m sure you could do a great doodle to accompany that quote.
You are familiar with the doodle in this post, yes?
https://mikeallegra.com/2012/02/26/sunday-sketches-4/
Oh! Well not consciously, but maybe I had that fart in my subconscious when I mentioned the doodle.
Do you mean a brain fart?
Thanks again for brightening the start of an otherwise rather gloomy day. I felt like I was sitting next to Mrs. D and holding back my laughs at the antics. She certainly was a “straight shooter” (pun definitely intended), and one of the favorite people in my life. . . .
Grandma sure made an impression, that’s for sure. In addition to leaving behind a legacy of clever quips, she also taught me just about ever bad word I know.
I love the quote binder ring idea!
Glad you like it, Mrs. P!
Fabulous writing advice. I’m going to steal it and share it with my creative writing class. We’ll see who can come up in the next couple of weeks with the best ‘fart’ quote. Ur, I mean, interesting quote.
Gotta go now, can’t find my clicker anywhere (and what the hell is a ‘remote’?)
Lost the clicker ‘eh? Did you check the ice box?
And, huzzah! I am an influence on your writing class! We should co-teach something.
Hmm, a co-class on “How to Fart Crooked While Writing, Standing Up Straight”….?
Catchy title, anyway.
Yep, you got something there.
That’s so funny. I collect quotes like they are treasure, and many of mine are from family too. I don’t, however, have them compiled neatly on a ring of cards. Project!
Neat! You’re OCD too?
I prefer to call myself highly appreciative of maintaining control in some aspects of my life. My kids call me bossy. My mom calls me anal. You can call me OCD.
And I shall — but with affection.
Tess of Let’s Cut The Crap nominated you for an award and now I see why. Terrific blog. I enjoyed every moment of reading and learning at the same time. I’m looking forward to learning more from your adventures along life’s way.
Thanks for stopping by, Sheri! Stay a while, why dont’cha?
Coffee? Tea? Scone?
I thought I had left a comment, but cannot find it. Hm, not sure what that is saying about me. Anyway, I love this idea. I love it so well, I took some of your other advice and stole the idea. Bought index cards to use and have the metal ring, just need the single paper punch. Maybe you have one of those I could, um, borrow? Great idea! 🙂
Well, jiminy, I’m glad you reposted! I got that binder ring when I used to teach vocabulary classes for the Princeton Review. I find it ideal for compiling Meaty Quotes.
Grandmas are an inexhaustible source of humor and wisdom, Mike.