Oh, Yes, That’s Right, I Have News

In March, I cheekily posted about some exciting picture book news that I would reveal on this blog SOON. My hope was to drum up a little excitement in The Bloggyverse by not tipping my hand too early. 

I’ll let the post sit for a few weeks, I reasoned, Then I will reveal the Big News. Woo!

My body, however, didn’t agree with this schedule.

On the same week I was gonna reveal The Big News, my neck cinched up in blinding pain. I started shaking uncontrollably. Then my newly-christened artificial ankle decided to stop artificial ankling; in an instant, I wasn’t able to walk anymore.

These symptoms warranted an immediate trip to the hospital, where I learned that I had a bacterial infection in my bloodstream that had designs on a bunch of my body parts.

The doctor’s counterattacks were aggressive—sort of a “destroy the village to save it” type deal. I am so very grateful for their efforts, but being the village in this metaphor really sucked.

I was in the hospital for two weeks. My memories of that time only reveal themselves in a series of foggy, unreliable vignettes:

  • I remember taking drugs that made me cripplingly claustrophobic; my trip to the MRI was particularly eventful.
  • I remember my orthopedic surgeon stripping my ankle for parts like an inner city abandoned car.
  • And I remember the friendly glowing, pulsating cobwebs that jellyfished around the room just out of my curious reach. (Apparently, I hallucinated a lot.)

According to a veterinarian friend of mine. What I had was serious. “If you were a horse,” he told me, “I would’ve put you down.”

Fortunately, I am not a horse. Even more fortunately, my psycho friend is not my doctor.

That brings us to today. I’m still recovering. I can’t walk yet, but I’m getting replacement parts installed in my ankle soon. I still need to take intravenous antibiotics three times a day. And I haven’t slept for more than three consecutive hours since Palm Sunday.

So yes, I’m getting better, but bleah.

Anyhoo…

Here’s the The Big News I promised way back in March: Sarah Gives Thanks, my picture book that’s been out of print for more than six years, is getting a paperback edition.

Woo.

I know, the tone of my announcement is a bit less giddy than it should be, but cut me some slack. Remember, if I was a horse, this post would’ve been an In Memoriam.

I’ll get giddier soon, I promise.

As I continue to recover, I’ll get more info out there about the book and the happy circumstances that helped persuade my publisher, Albert Whitman & Co., to give this title a new lease on life. It’s a good story, and I’ll tell it to you soon.

Jesus, at least I hope so.

Dear Deer,

Oh! Hey, big fella!

This is a welcome and unexpected surprise!

What brings you to my neck of the woods? Especially since I don’t have woods. Not even close. I have a postage-stamp-sized yard and live within spitting distance of the traffic-y hell of Route 22. There’s no place to hide here. There’s no room to run or frolic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you’re here. Very happy. I just can’t imagine why you’re here.

I can’t even wrap my brain around how you got here. Did you cut through a jillion fenced-in backyards? Did you catch an Uber from the Watchung Reservation?

Maybe my animal-loving reputation precedes me. Did you talk to my squirrels? I don’t mean to boast, but those furry critters have been pretty pleased with me ever since I chased away the feral cats and supplemented their diets with Cheerios and Ritz Crackers. I’m pretty well known around these parts for being pro-rodent—though I prefer the term “prodent” if you don’t mind.

I’m pro-deer too. The other day I saw a sign along Route 22 that said, “Deer Solutions.” It was a company that promised to get rid of deer, which is nuts because I consider deer to be the solution. I mean come on! You’re so cute! My problems are solved just by looking at you!

And, yes, by all means, eat my hostas. I have to cut them back for the winter, anyway. In fact, eat whatever the hell you want. My yard is your all-you-can-eat buffet. Do you like blueberries? I’ve got a bush in the side yard. It’s yours.

I don’t even care if you carry Lyme’s Disease. I’ll wear a tick collar. That’s how much your cuteness maters to me.

In fact…

I just came up with an idea. Can I pitch you my idea?

What if we take this visit to the next level? I have a nice shed out back. I can clean it out and fill it with straw no problem. It’ll be cozy and dry and I’ll bring out some snacky-snacks for you on the regular. No rent, no lease, no problem. You can come and go as you please. I can keep you safe and happy this winter. I know I can.

What?

Oh…

No. No, I get it. You need to keep moving. You’re a Freebird.

No, no, I know you’re not a bird. That’s not what I meant. I was thinking of a song by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I don’t even know why I said that. There was no way you were going to get the reference.

Well, wait a minute. Hold on. Where are you going?

I get that the shed’s not your thing, and that’s cool, but do you need to leave right now? I’ve got lots of hostas that you didn’t even touch.

Would you like some leaves for the road, then?

I’ve got Tupperware. I could just…

I’m making this weird, aren’t I?

Sorry.

So…um…

Maybe I’ll see you around?

You come back whenever you want to, okay?

You are always welcome here.

Always.

Higher (and much further away) Education

As I mentioned last week, 2024 has been a crazy year filled with big distractions—the most debilitating of which was my ankle getting carved up like a Christmas ham. Another distraction, no less huge, was that my boy headed off to college. 

This boy! Right here!

I know, right? That wee little fella, best known as my Semi-Annual Blog Raffle Winner Picker Outer, somehow grew up and graduated high school without me noticing.

He looks like this now.

All right, I did notice. How could I not? There is just so much to do when a kid is college bound. The applications, the scholarships, the campus visits and the jillion other things that take up way more time than you could possibly imagine.

And then there’s all the things you gotta buy. Expensive things. Like a $195 online textbook.

Yes.

A $195 textbook.

That’s online.

Call me old fashioned, but if I’m gonna spend $195 dollars on a book, I want the creation of said book to be a big rigmarole. It should involve the murder of trees and the noisy operation of an offset printing machine. A $195 book should be big, heavy, hard to find, and exist in three dimensions.

Not gonna lie. I feel a little violated here.

We bought other stuff, too. Clothes, for example, because Alex thoughtlessly decided to grow again. And he didn’t just grow, he grew taller than me, which is disrespectful.

And we bought luggage to hold those big clothes.

And we bought a fridge and a footlocker and all the other whatsits and provisions that everyone says you can’t head off to college without.

Then I had to buy a big thing to strap to the roof of my car to carry all those things.

Okay, I’ll just come out and say it. I consider Alex’s desire to further his education both selfish and cruel to his old father, who finds him much too fun and interesting to leave home.

He’s my good boy.

And I think I have a little dust in my eyes.

My eyes have been getting pretty dusty these days.

Allergies, I’m sure.