Doodles 'n' Drawings, On Writing

Win A Doodle! Woo!

Here it is! The moment you have been waiting for! It is time once again for…

Thank you for the fanfare, Mr. Elephant.
Thank you for the fanfare, Mr. Elephant.

A WIN A DOODLE CONTEST!

(Woo!)

IF YOU WIN, I WILL DRAW WHATEVER YOU WANT!

Don’t believe me? I have proof.

Past winners have asked for a Caffeine Gnome…

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

…a Protective Great Dane…

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

…a Yoga Practitioner Petting an Angel Dog…

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

…a Larcenous Cow…

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

…and a Raven Shapeshifter (whatever that is).

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

Also a gang of unseemly hooligans forced me to draw this guy:

As a consequence of this near-criminal harassment, my doctor tells me I now have PTSD (Post Traumatic Salamander Disorder).
As a consequence of this near-criminal harassment, my doctor tells me I now have PTSD (Post Traumatic Salamander Disorder).

So yes, I will draw whatever you want.

Well, I do have one exception; I will draw whatever you want provided that what you want is not pervy. I am a children’s book author, bucko, so take your dirty, filthy business someplace else!

HOW TO WIN

The winning name will be drawn at random. The draw-er is this guy.

That’s right, Daniel Craig will be drawing the winning entry!
That’s right, Daniel Craig will be drawing the winning entry!

HOW TO ENTER

To get your name in the drawing, leave a list of five words in the comments section below. They can be any words at all, but – and this is important – the words cannot be completely random. Each word must be connected to you in some way.

For example, here are my five words:

Capybara

Bert

Skipping

Juneau

Chip ‘n’ Putt

Here is how these five words are connected to me:

Capybara: The world largest rodent. Petting one is on my bucket list.

Bert: My favorite Muppet. If Bert was real, I am convinced he and I would be best friends.

Skipping: When I was in elementary school, my gym teacher called my mom to tell her some bad news: I was unable to skip. Mom’s reply: “Should I care?”

Juneau: Ellen and I went to Alaska on our honeymoon. We should’ve gone somewhere else.

Chip ‘n’ Putt: When I was unemployed in my 20s (which was distressingly often) I would round up my other unemployed friends and play rounds at the mini golf course.

See what I mean? The connection between you and the words doesn’t need to be deep or profound, it just needs to exist.

So give me five words for a chance to win!

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCE OF WINNING

Want me to stuff the ballot box in your favor? Fiiine. I’ll add two more ballots if you announce this contest on your blog and link back to this page. That’s three chances to win!

Don’t have a blog? No problem. I’ll give you one extra ballot if you announce this contest on your Facebook page or Twitter feed. (Be sure to post links in the comments.)

PRIZES! (PLURAL!)

As I mentioned, the winner of the drawing will get a custom made, one-of-a-kind, Mike Allegra doodle suitable for framing! Woo!

But the winner will also get something else:

An original, one-of-a-kind, Mike Allegra-penned story! This story will contain all five of the words you supplied to enter this contest. I can’t promise you a good story, but I will do my best.

So do me a favor and choose fun words, OK?

DEADLINES, ETC.

Your entry is due on or before Tuesday, April 5. The winner of the drawing will be announced on Wednesday, April 6.

That’s it! Give me five words and get going!

GOOD LUCK!

Essays/Book Reviews, On Writing

Street Scenes

The place could use a coat of paint. Otherwise, it’s perfect.

There was a certain magic to Sesame Street in the 1970s that doesn’t quite exist anymore. I came to this realization after borrowing Sesame Street Old School DVDs from the library and revisiting the street I remembered from my childhood. It was a very different place, to say the least.

For one thing, there were hardly any Muppets on the street itself. Yes, Bert and Ernie lived in the basement apartment at 123 – but they were rarely seen outside of it. Herry Monster would show up and occasionally wreak havoc. But really, the only regulars on the street were Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch and, later, Snuffleupagus.

This is a far cry from the Sesame Street of today which frequently plays host to large roving gangs of Muppets, often led by Elmo and his loyal posse: Zoe, Abby, Baby Bear, Rosita, and Telly. Big Bird, Oscar, and Snuffy are there too, of course, and other Muppets can be found hanging out apartment windows.

Basically Muppets have taken over the neighborhood. It is a rare episode to see more than one or two actual human beings take on a significant role in any of the “street stories.”

It’s like a fuzzy, adorable West Side Story

This is a far cry from the street of the 1970s. Adults were everywhere then. They laughed and joked with each other. They did things as a group. It wasn’t unusual to see Maria, Luis, Bob, Gordon, Susan, and David – all young, fun loving, and outgoing – hanging out on the stoop chewing the fat. The friendships between them felt genuine – kind of like what you might see in a real neighborhood. Even the fact that Mr. Hooper was rarely a part of these coffee cloches felt right; he was of a different generation and had a store to run.

The physical characteristics of the street itself also changed over time. Today’s street reflects the slow but steady gentrification of the neighborhood. Sesame Street is now as sunny, bright, and colorful as the many, many Muppets who reside there. It is a beautiful place to be sure, but, like the Muppets, the street doesn’t feel quite genuine. The buildings are too crisp and pristine. It feels a bit too fantastic to be a part of this world.

The street of the 1970s looked lived on. The colors were muted to the point of dingy; the color palette leaned heavily toward, grays, olives, and browns. Fixtures were worn, maybe a little bent or rusty. The buildings were speckled with those mysterious black stains that always seem to find their way on to most every structure that’s more than a few years old. It was a clean street by 1970s standards, but 1970s standards weren’t all that clean. New York was an armpit back then and Sesame sort of fit into that environment.

And this is what made the Sesame Street of my childhood so magical: The place looked ordinary enough to be real.

In fact, almost every kid in my kindergarten class thought they knew where Sesame Street was; any visit to New York offered up dozens of potential sightings.

I, too, was one of the true believers. When I was young, my parents took me to the Bronx Zoo. As soon as we crossed the George Washington Bridge, I had my eyes out the window. I checked the street signs, looked for that familiar stoop, and got giddy enough to do a car dance whenever I found a location that came sort of close. I never did spot that friendly, seven-foot-tall canary, but the delightful possibility that I might was always just around the next corner.

On Writing

My Felty Doppelganger

From left, Ellen and Mike.

My wife, Ellen, describes our relationship as very similar to Bert and Ernie’s. And she’s absolutely right.

I’m Bert. While I have never considered collecting bottlecaps or becoming a pigeon fancier, I do have a rather large collection of Nixon political buttons and own two pet rats. Like Bert, I am also a fussbudget who likes things to be in their proper place.

Another similarity: Bert is the kind of guy who, without Ernie by his side, would live the life of a hermit, emerging from his house only to buy food and confiscate the Frisbees that accidentally land on his lawn. His death would be noticed only after the neighbors started to complain about the smell. Without Ellen, I could see myself moving in this direction. I wouldn’t necessarily be happy about it, but is seems like something I might do if left to my own devices.

Ellen is Ernie. She’s disorganized, peppy, sociable, friendly, and has an easy laugh. Also, she, like her Muppet alter ego, takes giddy delight in getting her Bert’s goat.

Look! Bert even likes goats! If Bert was real, he and I would be best friends!

But when night falls, things change. After the lights are turned off and the house becomes quiet, Ellen and I experience a sort of role reversal. Night is when the silly ideas start to fill my brain and I, like Ernie, have an insatiable desire to share.

“Ellen,” I whisper. “Are you asleep?”

“Mm,” she replies into her pillow.

“I just made up parody lyrics to the song ‘The Candy Man.’ The song from the Willy Wonka movie. The lousy one with Gene Wilder.”

“Don’t.”

“The Pickle Man.”

“Stop right there!”

But I have a song in my heart, so I sing: “Who can make the sun shiiiine, with cucumbers and briiiiine…”

Or I might want to discuss why Act II of The Music Man isn’t nearly as good as Act I. Or quote extensively from Wallace and Gromit. Or think up some titles for the most inappropriate children’s book ever. (My personal favorite: The Sluttiest Mennonite.)

Ellen, like Bert, is less than thrilled by all of this.

“I will kill you,” she says.

From left, Mike and Ellen.

I also come up with ideas that I can use, too. Good ones. My best ones. I share those, too.

I don’t mean to be a pest, it’s just when I lie there in the dark, my mind becomes so very fertile. This is why I love quiet moments. This is why, during the day, I become Bert the loner. And it is also why, at night, I come dangerously close to becoming Ernie the murder victim.

So! Let’s open up the comments section. Here’s a prompt: Which Muppet is your alter ego?