Oh! Hey, big fella!
This is a welcome and unexpected surprise!
What brings you to my neck of the woods? Especially since I don’t have woods. Not even close. I have a postage-stamp-sized yard and live within spitting distance of the traffic-y hell of Route 22. There’s no place to hide here. There’s no room to run or frolic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you’re here. Very happy. I just can’t imagine why you’re here.
I can’t even wrap my brain around how you got here. Did you cut through a jillion fenced-in backyards? Did you catch an Uber from the Watchung Reservation?
Maybe my animal-loving reputation precedes me. Did you talk to my squirrels? I don’t mean to boast, but those furry critters have been pretty pleased with me ever since I chased away the feral cats and supplemented their diets with Cheerios and Ritz Crackers. I’m pretty well known around these parts for being pro-rodent—though I prefer the term “prodent” if you don’t mind.
I’m pro-deer too. The other day I saw a sign along Route 22 that said, “Deer Solutions.” It was a company that promised to get rid of deer, which is nuts because I consider deer to be the solution. I mean come on! You’re so cute! My problems are solved just by looking at you!
And, yes, by all means, eat my hostas. I have to cut them back for the winter, anyway. In fact, eat whatever the hell you want. My yard is your all-you-can-eat buffet. Do you like blueberries? I’ve got a bush in the side yard. It’s yours.
I don’t even care if you carry Lyme’s Disease. I’ll wear a tick collar. That’s how much your cuteness maters to me.
In fact…
I just came up with an idea. Can I pitch you my idea?
What if we take this visit to the next level? I have a nice shed out back. I can clean it out and fill it with straw no problem. It’ll be cozy and dry and I’ll bring out some snacky-snacks for you on the regular. No rent, no lease, no problem. You can come and go as you please. I can keep you safe and happy this winter. I know I can.
What?
Oh…
No. No, I get it. You need to keep moving. You’re a Freebird.
No, no, I know you’re not a bird. That’s not what I meant. I was thinking of a song by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I don’t even know why I said that. There was no way you were going to get the reference.
Well, wait a minute. Hold on. Where are you going?
I get that the shed’s not your thing, and that’s cool, but do you need to leave right now? I’ve got lots of hostas that you didn’t even touch.
Would you like some leaves for the road, then?
I’ve got Tupperware. I could just…
I’m making this weird, aren’t I?
Sorry.
So…um…
Maybe I’ll see you around?
You come back whenever you want to, okay?
You are always welcome here.
Always.
Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! 