On Blogging

Head Lice are Nice!

I'm Corky the cootie. Pleased to meet'cha!
I’m Corky the cootie. Pleased to eat’cha!

This blog post exists for two reasons.

1. I do not like seagulls.
2. I have a big mouth.

Back in July, the charming Vanessa Chapman wrote a blog post titled “The Thoughtful Seagull,” a persuasive argument imploring her readers to love (or at least respect) Aerial Beach Vermin.

Here’s a brief excerpt:

“They are highly intelligent creatures, and learn behaviours to adapt to their environment. In groups they will stamp their feet on the ground to sound like rainfall, which tricks earthworms into coming to the surface.”

I was awed by her scholarship but unpersuaded, so in the comments section, I wrote this:

“You make an excellent and impressive case on behalf of the seagull. But if I ever found a bunch of them stamping on the ground, you would see me kicking at the flock in a wild fury, screaming, ‘Stay down worms! It’s a trick!’ To sum up, I prefer worms to seagulls. Oh, and I prefer most things to worms. So there we are.”

Harsh, I know, but I was soon remorseful. A couple of days later, I made Vanessa a solemn promise:

“Tell you what I’ll do: The next time you blog about the virtues of an animal — any animal at all — I will be pro-that-animal. I will sing its praises! I will condemn those who disagree! I will be that thing’s biggest fan! Try me!”

Vanessa waited seven months to follow up. Then she wrote an impressive ode to head lice.

So I love head lice now. In fact, I love head lice so much, I wrote a poem about them! Enjoy!

For the Love of Louse

On my scalp what do I find?
A little guest! No, I don’t mind!

Please live and breed upon my hair.
I am so glad that you are there.

Please eat your fill. Please bite away.
In case you care, my blood’s Type A.

I pray this time will never end,
My skeevy, parasitic friend.

So, Vanessa, are we good now?