Guest Post By Lucy The Rat

Me!
Me!

Hiya all!

Because my person is getting assaulted by whimsy at Disney World, I was asked to take over his blog this week. It’s great to be here!

So! I understand that many of you are Crazy Cat People. My person and I are not fans of cats. Did you not know that?

And it’s worse than you think. Last year, my person even installed a gun turret on the roof of his KIA Spectra. Whenever he is unable to sleep; or gets writer’s block; or has that strange, faraway look in his eye, he’ll hop in the car and cruise around the neighborhood searching for feral cats to spray with bullets.

Even I find this behavior disturbing.

But I have said too much. Let’s just sat that my person has a touch of the cray-cray and leave it at that.

Anyhoo… The day after my person left for Disney, I decided to visit the local gals who live under the Burger King dumpster.

So we were all chewing the fat (literally) and getting along really well, when I say to them, “Hey! We should start a business!”

And they’re all like, “How can a bunch of sewer rats go into business?”

And I go, “Well, a bunch of sewer rats can’t go into business, but a bunch of sewer rats AND a domesticated fancy rat can move mountains! And by ‘move mountains’ I mean ‘rob a Wallgreens!’”

The sewer rats agreed, and a good time was had by all.

On a related note, I have a rat cage full Pall Malls that need to move ASAP. I know Pall Malls are pretty much only smoked by gas station attendants, but if you’re willing to switch brands and/or become a gas station attendant, I’ll make it worth your while. $1.50 a pack. That is not a typo, Cat People. To get a great deal like that anywhere else you would need a Hot Tub Time Machine. So gimmie a call.

Or if you don’t smoke, no prob. I’ll use my time here to chat with you about anything at all. Fire away, peeps!

I’m Going to Disneyworld!

As many of you know, I am pro-rodent (or “prodent”). So it is only right that I should periodically have a meet ‘n’ greet with a giant mouse in Florida.

Because of this, I won’t be able to do much of anything on this blog for the next two weeks.

But don’t worry; my pet rat, Lucy, promised to write something pithy during my absence.

My understudy.
My understudy.

Here’s hoping she’ll keep her profanity in check. For once.