H.A.C.K.S. – Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow!

March 30, 2014

Celebrate Kittens! (Oh, you gotta be kidding me!)

As many longtime readers of this blog know, I am not a big fan of cats. I’m allergic, I keep rodents as pets, and feral cats keep pooping on my lawn.

So why did I ever draw the above doodle? Extortion.

Last year, Jilianne Hoffmann demanded it as a quid pro quo for promoting my noble organization, H.A.C.K.S. (Humans Against Celebrity Kid Stories)* on her blog. I, with great reluctance, complied.

After I drew the doodle and sent it to the Hoffmanns, however, something strange happened. Jilanne’s son, Liam (the fellow who wanted that cat pic), and I developed a correspondence. In so doing, I slowly learned that he and the entire Hoffmann family – despite their cat fancier instincts – are lovely people.

This knowledge has helped me to grow significantly as a person. And I am grateful.

As a sign of this newfound friendship, I offered to draw the Hoffmann’s another doodle.

Jilanne replied: “Oh, you are too kind! Liam is very excited. When I asked him if he had a request, he immediately grinned and said, ‘a very naughty kitten to go with the naughty stamp-shredding cat.'”

Are you people trying to get back on my Enemies List?

Fine! Here! And no more!

*By the way, you should join H.A.C.K.S.

It’s free and fun! No salesmen will call!

To learn all about it, click here! To join the cause, click here!

April 7, 2013

Introducing the H.A.C.K.S. Seal of Approval

Are you a member of H.A.C.K.S. yet? No?

Do you at least know what H.A.C.K.S. stands for? No?

Sheesh. I need some PR people.

H.A.C.K.S. stands for Humans Against Celebrity Kid Stories. I founded the organization last year as a way to ever-so-gently dissuade people from buying picture books written by celebrities.

The reason? Simple. Because most of these celebrity-written children’s books are – and this is backed up by years of careful study – stinky.

Want to learn more about H.A.C.K.S.? Wonderful! Click here for info.

Are you one of those devil-may-care types who join organizations without knowing anything about them? Wonderful! Click here and “like” the page.

Now let’s get to the subject of this post. Although it has been proven that most celebrity children’s books are stinky, some are not. Case in point: Charming actress and fiber-filled-yogurt pitchwoman Jamie Lee Curtis has written several excellent picture books.

You can get regular be eating yogurt? Who knew? SHE did. — You can get regular by eating yogurt? Who knew?
SHE did.

Yes, Ms. Curtis is a celebrity but she is also a writer. She deserves, I think, immunity from any H.A.C.K.S. initiatives.

So I propose The H.A.C.K.S. Seal of Approval, an honor to be presented to a celebrity whose book (or books) can proudly stand alongside books that were written by people who do this writing thing for a living.

With the H.A.C.K.S. membership’s permission, I would like to nominate Ms. Curtis as our very first Seal of Approval recipient. All in favor?

Please also consider this post to be a solicitation for future H.A.C.K.S. Seal of Approval nominees. Have a suggestion? Have you read a celebrity children’s book that impressed you? Moved you? Made you laugh?

If so, fellow H.A.C.K.S.ters, leave a comment! Together let us encourage great writing!

February 24, 2013

Celebrate Cats! Ugh.

As regular readers of this blog know, I am not a fan of cats.

I am horribly allergic.

I am also a protector of the cute, fuzzy, little animals that cats enjoy killing. Like this angel:

So cats are not welcome anywhere near the Allegra house.

Many of you devoted cat owners out there have chosen to look past my anti-feline stance. You are wonderful, forgiving people who accept me for who I am. I thank you.

But one of you, using a form of extortion that would make Tony Soprano flinch, forced me draw a picture of one.

Just kidding. Jilanne Hoffmann is actually a wonderful person. A few months ago, she and I made a deal. Jilanne would use her son to promote my organization, Humans Against Celebrity Kid Stories (H.A.C.K.S.), and I, in turn, would draw a commemorative postage stamp on the subject of his choice.

I used to draw these stamps all the time for my own son. Here’s a small sampling from Alex’s collection:

I also made Alex a couple of gross ones.

Jilanne held up her end of the bargain, so I owed her son a stamp. Since her boy is nine, I assumed I would be drawing a sequel to Snot or Toots. So you can imagine my surprise when he asked for “Celebrate Cats.”

I tried to convince him otherwise. I truly did. Rats are cuter, I told him. Much cuter. But he was unpersuaded.

So here’s your cat, kid. You’ll get the original drawing in the mail in a few days. And don’t ask me for anything else until you learn how to properly appreciate rodents. I have a Celebrate Guinea Pigs stamp in me just aching to get out.

***

What’s that? You wanna be cool like Jilanne and join the H.A.C.K.S. team? Click HERE to learn about the organization and click HERE to become a member!