Doodles 'n' Drawings, On Writing

Win A Doodle! Woo!

Here it is! The moment you have been waiting for! It is time once again for…

Thank you for the fanfare, Mr. Elephant.
Thank you for the fanfare, Mr. Elephant.

A WIN A DOODLE CONTEST!

(Woo!)

IF YOU WIN, I WILL DRAW WHATEVER YOU WANT!

Don’t believe me? I have proof.

Past winners have asked for a Caffeine Gnome…

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

…a Protective Great Dane…

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

…a Yoga Practitioner Petting an Angel Dog…

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

…a Larcenous Cow…

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

…and a Raven Shapeshifter (whatever that is).

(Click to enlarge.)
(Click to enlarge.)

Also a gang of unseemly hooligans forced me to draw this guy:

As a consequence of this near-criminal harassment, my doctor tells me I now have PTSD (Post Traumatic Salamander Disorder).
As a consequence of this near-criminal harassment, my doctor tells me I now have PTSD (Post Traumatic Salamander Disorder).

So yes, I will draw whatever you want.

Well, I do have one exception; I will draw whatever you want provided that what you want is not pervy. I am a children’s book author, bucko, so take your dirty, filthy business someplace else!

HOW TO WIN

The winning name will be drawn at random. The draw-er is this guy.

That’s right, Daniel Craig will be drawing the winning entry!
That’s right, Daniel Craig will be drawing the winning entry!

HOW TO ENTER

To get your name in the drawing, leave a list of five words in the comments section below. They can be any words at all, but – and this is important – the words cannot be completely random. Each word must be connected to you in some way.

For example, here are my five words:

Capybara

Bert

Skipping

Juneau

Chip ‘n’ Putt

Here is how these five words are connected to me:

Capybara: The world largest rodent. Petting one is on my bucket list.

Bert: My favorite Muppet. If Bert was real, I am convinced he and I would be best friends.

Skipping: When I was in elementary school, my gym teacher called my mom to tell her some bad news: I was unable to skip. Mom’s reply: “Should I care?”

Juneau: Ellen and I went to Alaska on our honeymoon. We should’ve gone somewhere else.

Chip ‘n’ Putt: When I was unemployed in my 20s (which was distressingly often) I would round up my other unemployed friends and play rounds at the mini golf course.

See what I mean? The connection between you and the words doesn’t need to be deep or profound, it just needs to exist.

So give me five words for a chance to win!

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR CHANCE OF WINNING

Want me to stuff the ballot box in your favor? Fiiine. I’ll add two more ballots if you announce this contest on your blog and link back to this page. That’s three chances to win!

Don’t have a blog? No problem. I’ll give you one extra ballot if you announce this contest on your Facebook page or Twitter feed. (Be sure to post links in the comments.)

PRIZES! (PLURAL!)

As I mentioned, the winner of the drawing will get a custom made, one-of-a-kind, Mike Allegra doodle suitable for framing! Woo!

But the winner will also get something else:

An original, one-of-a-kind, Mike Allegra-penned story! This story will contain all five of the words you supplied to enter this contest. I can’t promise you a good story, but I will do my best.

So do me a favor and choose fun words, OK?

DEADLINES, ETC.

Your entry is due on or before Tuesday, April 5. The winner of the drawing will be announced on Wednesday, April 6.

That’s it! Give me five words and get going!

GOOD LUCK!

Three Things...

Three Things On My Bucket List

Harumph!
Harumph! (Groundhoggy grumpiness courtesy of International Business Times.)

The term “Bucket List” has become so common these days that most people have forgotten that it was popularized by one of the worst films of Jack Nicholson’s career. Since I don’t believe in inadvertently promoting bad movies (that is why you’ll never hear me say “something’s gotta give”) I would like to replace “Bucket List” with a term of my own:

The-Things-I-Would-Like-To-Do-At-Some-Point-In-My-Life-But-Have-Nothing-To-Do-With-My-Family-Or-Career-So-If-I-Don’t-Get-To-Do-Them-It-Really-Won’t-Be-A-Big-Deal List

As you can see, I prefer accuracy to brevity.

For your convenience, I’ve turned this term into a simple acronym:

TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD List

Here are three things that top my list:

Visit Punxsutawney Phil

Phyllis would be great, too!
Punxsutawney Phyllis would be great, too!

I love groundhogs. They are cute, cantankerous, and always wear a “Now, what the hell do you want?” expression on their faces. So it seems only logical that I would want to go to Pennsylvania, get up at the crack of dawn, and stand in the frigid cold to catch a glimpse of the most famous groundhog of all time.

My wife, Ellen, thinks I’m insane for wanting to do this — and she has told me in no uncertain terms that she would never, ever, ever in a hillion-jillion-zillion years accompany me on such an excursion. My son, Alex, is more open to the idea of such a trip, but I think that’s because Groundhog Day often falls on a school day.

When I tell other people about my dream of visiting Punxsutawney on the groundhoggiest day of the year, their reactions range from mild amusement to a horrified, “I don’t know-you-anymore!” style of bewilderment.

There is one exception: My mom. She not only endorses such a trip, but also insists on going with me. This is kind of surprising because Mom is whimsically challenged. (She would loudly and proudly agree with this assessment, by the way.) Yet going on a several-hundred-mile journey to see an animal that Mom can find in her own backyard… And then listening to this animal pretending to predict the weather… Well, that’s about as whimsical as it gets.

So I don’t understand Mom’s motives, but, someday soon, she will be welcome company.

Run For President

Let me clarify straightaway that I don’t want to win; I just want to run. My reasoning is simple: I like meeting people, Ellen says I look good in a tie, and a presidential campaign seems like a great way to promote non-presidential things. You know, like a book.

I could certainly do better than this scumbag
Even if I accidentally did win, I could never be a worse president than this guy.

Since I have no intention of winning, I can say whatever I want during the campaign. In fact, saying whatever I want will pretty much guarantee that I won’t win. (I am a student of history and can assert that no presidential candidate ever won an election by calling another candidate a “poopie head.” My first campaign promise: I will publicly and repeatedly call every xenophobic candidate a “poopie head.” You’re welcome. God bless America!)

I also want to run because I came up with a nifty campaign slogan:

Get a Leg Up With Allegra!

I look forward to your lack of support in 2020.

Cuddle a Capybara

Weighing in at about 100 pounds, a capybara is the world’s largest rodent. Capybaras are social, curious, friendly, and adorable. Considering my pro-rodent (prodent) beliefs, I should – scratch that – I must find an opportunity to hug this Godzilla guinea pig.

So what do you have on your Bucket List?

Write me a comment and let me know!