The term “Bucket List” has become so common these days that most people have forgotten that it was popularized by one of the worst films of Jack Nicholson’s career. Since I don’t believe in inadvertently promoting bad movies (that is why you’ll never hear me say “something’s gotta give”) I would like to replace “Bucket List” with a term of my own:
The-Things-I-Would-Like-To-Do-At-Some-Point-In-My-Life-But-Have-Nothing-To-Do-With-My-Family-Or-Career-So-If-I-Don’t-Get-To-Do-Them-It-Really-Won’t-Be-A-Big-Deal List
As you can see, I prefer accuracy to brevity.
For your convenience, I’ve turned this term into a simple acronym:
TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD List
Here are three things that top my list:
Visit Punxsutawney Phil
I love groundhogs. They are cute, cantankerous, and always wear a “Now, what the hell do you want?” expression on their faces. So it seems only logical that I would want to go to Pennsylvania, get up at the crack of dawn, and stand in the frigid cold to catch a glimpse of the most famous groundhog of all time.
My wife, Ellen, thinks I’m insane for wanting to do this — and she has told me in no uncertain terms that she would never, ever, ever in a hillion-jillion-zillion years accompany me on such an excursion. My son, Alex, is more open to the idea of such a trip, but I think that’s because Groundhog Day often falls on a school day.
When I tell other people about my dream of visiting Punxsutawney on the groundhoggiest day of the year, their reactions range from mild amusement to a horrified, “I don’t know-you-anymore!” style of bewilderment.
There is one exception: My mom. She not only endorses such a trip, but also insists on going with me. This is kind of surprising because Mom is whimsically challenged. (She would loudly and proudly agree with this assessment, by the way.) Yet going on a several-hundred-mile journey to see an animal that Mom can find in her own backyard… And then listening to this animal pretending to predict the weather… Well, that’s about as whimsical as it gets.
So I don’t understand Mom’s motives, but, someday soon, she will be welcome company.
Run For President
Let me clarify straightaway that I don’t want to win; I just want to run. My reasoning is simple: I like meeting people, Ellen says I look good in a tie, and a presidential campaign seems like a great way to promote non-presidential things. You know, like a book.
Since I have no intention of winning, I can say whatever I want during the campaign. In fact, saying whatever I want will pretty much guarantee that I won’t win. (I am a student of history and can assert that no presidential candidate ever won an election by calling another candidate a “poopie head.” My first campaign promise: I will publicly and repeatedly call every xenophobic candidate a “poopie head.” You’re welcome. God bless America!)
I also want to run because I came up with a nifty campaign slogan:
Get a Leg Up With Allegra!
I look forward to your lack of support in 2020.
Cuddle a Capybara
Weighing in at about 100 pounds, a capybara is the world’s largest rodent. Capybaras are social, curious, friendly, and adorable. Considering my pro-rodent (prodent) beliefs, I should – scratch that – I must find an opportunity to hug this Godzilla guinea pig.
So what do you have on your Bucket List?
Write me a comment and let me know!
Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! 
What an interesting list! I had never heard of the capybara. I showed it to my son. Now my son wants one. Thanks. So, at the top of my bucket list I’d like to make sure that we never get a capybara. 🙂
You should reconsider. Capybaras are known to get along with dogs. See?
That capybara coulld make a meal of that dog.
Very lofty, yet attainable! Go for it.
Makes my item “get through the morning without yelling at my kids” feel a little pale, but right now it’s my top goal.
A daily goal is not a TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD List item. C’mon, Nancy! You can do better than that!
It would be pretty hard to top a list like this one … although I must say ‘poopie-head’ is a good way to describe our current Prime Minister, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and an endless list of other political wannabes.
Where are you from, Joanne? In other words, which prime minister deserves the “poopie head” title?
Harper … from Canada. Do you want him? Please?
I’ll take him AND Rob Ford if you take back Bieber.
I think I speak for most of Canada when I say I’m really, really sorry about Bieber.
I think I can speak for most of America when I say I don’t want your sorries; I want you to take that brat back to where he came from.
Deporting Justin Bieber, by the way, will be one of my presidential campaign promises.
ALLEGRA 2020!
I feel so much shame {hanging my head}
Aw. It’s so hard to stay mad at a (non-Bieber) Canadian. You are forgiven.
Yay!!
All commendable pursuits, Mike.
Have never heard of Capybaras before. Thanks for the introduction. Might I say they all look like they’re taking a yoga class? 😀
They do know how to mellow out, that’s for sure.
Don’t they? I think they should get a job… 😀 😀 😀
That IS their job.
😀 😀 😀 Lucky them!
Brevity, sir, brevity: think B.IG.= Before I Get_______(fill in the blank–as in too old, too out of shape, too set in my ways). I don’t have to pet a capybara–I’ve owned guinea pigs and they are smaller versions. Check out Bill Peet’s book about capybaras. At least I think I remember he wrote about one.
Peet’s book is “Capyboppy” and I have a copy.
But you failed to answer my question, my friend. What is on your own TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD List? 😉
But do you have a copy of his The Wump World? Excellent cautionary tale, featuring capybara-ish creatures.
I don’t! I shall look it up.
Only because it took you half the morning to type out your acronym I’ll share one: go to New York and do all kinds of touristy things like Statue of Liberty, THE Library, a play, Central Park. Yup, it’s on the list.
You should do that! I’ll take you out to lunch.
Copy that. Meet you by the library lions. I’ll be holding a copy of Copybara.
Sounds like a plan.
What is it about the words “bucket list” that makes me shudder? I don’t know, but you totally nailed it in this post. This is my second favorite post of yours. My first one was the winter story. OMG, I love that thing. You are brilliant.
Thank you, my friend! And I must admit, Snow Story is one of my favorites, too.
Capybaras are awesome. I have never cuddled one, but I did have a guinea pig that lived for 7 years when I was kid, and they’re distant relatives of each other, so.
I don’t know, you’d probably be a better president than at least half the candidates out there right now. Possibly even most of them.
As for my bucket list?
I want to ride an elephant. That’s probably the #1 thing.
Riding an elephant is an excellent TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD List item. I think I’m gonna add it to my own list…
I wonder if capybaras will become the next pot-bellied pig…
I’m crazy about capybaras, but I wouldn’t want to own one. For one thing, as rodents, they would need would gnaw on everything to grind down their teeth. It would be like having a family of beavers in your house.
Ha! I just found out there is such a thing as a Narwhal. I thought it was a joke from “Elf.” That creature is insane!
That was quite the non-sequitur, Susie. What brought on the narwhal talk?
Because the capybara is exotic, narwhal popped into my head. When I looked it up, I found out it was a real animal. I think I laughed for about fifteen minutes. Thought I would share. My husband can’t follow my train of thought either and he’s lived with me for 28 years this Saturday. 🙂
Well, happy anniversary to you both!
Did you know that the 28th anniversary gift is supposed to be made from narwhal horn? So your husband better pull his whaling boat outta the garage and get shopping.
Hahaha! I’ll text him right now. I still can’t believe an animal like that exists. When I saw it in Elf, I thought it was supposed to represent the North Pole! I’m laughing again. I’m really not stupid. Really!
Of course you’re not stupid. Maybe a bit batty perhaps?
The 29th anniversary, BTW, is supposed to made out of bats.
Best bucket list ever! I am surprised your mum wants to go. Do film the experience if you do it.
My mom would never ever let me film her doing anything. And I’ve learned long ago to never mess with my mom.
You have an eclectic list. Love # 2.
I appreciate your support for my candidacy, Nightwriter.
Love the simple anachronism. Cracked me up. One thing on my, thus far, short TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD list is to go back in time. I’m planning this trip sometime in the next ten years and expect to travel back somewhere around 800 -1000 years. I need to do a little research to pin down the exact time frame and prepare in case I choose not to come back. In the meantime, I’m going to make a pumpkin pie. 🙂
Oh, Lordy, why would you wanna go back to the pre-shampoo days of plagues, witch burnings, and blood lettings?
Think this one through, D. Wallace. Think it though.
Pre-dental care. Don’t forget that.
You’re not an anti-dentite, are you?
I have dentaphobia, Mike. Yet, despite the medieval nature of dentistry, I suffer the chair twice a year. 🙂
There was no Novocaine 1000 years ago. Just sayin’.
😀
Go president! It might be one of the best becket lists I’ve ever read 🙂
Aw, thanks, Katie! I look forward to calling politicians “poopie heads” on your behalf in 2020. Onward!
“saying whatever I want will pretty much guarantee that I won’t win.”—I’m not so sure about that. Seems to be working awfully well for Orangie-Porgie Trumpie so far.
Thanks for the laughs. Between your acronym and your campaign slogan, you gave me some nice laugh-out-louds. Have a good one!
Trump is a poopie head with a poop combover on top.
Poopie poopie all around.
Yes indeedy.
I would get up the crack of dawn to see what Phil says, though it isn’t on my list.
One thing that is on my list is to swim with the pigs in the Bahamas, though I might have to wait on that since the pigs are probably hiding in some deep recess of the island because of the hurricane.
Oh, the swimming pigs! Great idea! I’m adding that one to my list, too.
Glad to see you know about them! 😀 😀
It’s funny that you mentioned them; just the other week I was watching a video of those charming scuba porkers. They are adorable!
They certainly have a cushy life! 😀
Oh, dear. I am now convinced that I really don’t know you. Or maybe I know you too well. Possibly both.
If I could only find a bucket, perhaps I would be more motivated to make a list to put in it. Stay tuned while I go in search of a bucket…..My husband and son, OTOH, would like to go to the moon or Mars, preferably via a space elevator that they have designed and built.
I would buy a ticket for that space elevator as soon as it reaches Pluto — which, as far as I’m concerned, will always be a full-fledged planet.
My views on Pluto, by the way, will be included in my presidential platform.
ALLEGRA 2020!
Good thing you aren’t a science writer. You do qualify to run for office, however, especially when you flat out ignore scientific knowledge.
Ooh. Ow. Calling me anti-science? That stings a little.
My feeling is that once you declare a planet a planet it should stay a planet. No backsies. Pluto, the planet with a heart, deserves better.
I feel the same way about the name Brontosaurus, by the way. I understand that the bronto is really just an apatosaurus with the wrong head screwed on, but “brontosaurus” is too common and too cool a name to give up. (And it would invalidate every single episode of The Flintstones!) I propose that we rename the apatosaurus the brontosaurus.
Or if you’re a fan of 19th century literature, may I propose the Bronte-saurus?
I’m just sayin’ that your—ah, scientific stance is in line with many politicians. Not that you’re anti-science. Maybe it should be called Flintstone Science. But I must say that I, too, am a fan of the Bronte-saurus. I can see the last of its kind (I believe his name was Heathcliff) wandering alone on the wild moors, gnawing on a bit of heather and crying “Catherine!” into the heartless wind. And since I’m on a wild moor roll, here’s a sad little tune for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNOQX1UbAbg
Oh, poppycock. The only time politicians talk about science is when they badmouth vaccines, cut NASA funding, or announce that evolution never happened.
I am the only presidential candidate who supports Pluto. I am Pro-Pluto (Proto).
Now are you telling me that you have no sentimental attachment to lovely, lonely Pluto? This (*sigh* dwarf) planet represents the most important part of the following mnemonic:
My
Very
Educated
Mother
Just
Served
Us
Nine
Pizzas
Are you denying the world its pizza, Jilanne? Are you? Because that’s just mean.
I could see how this could make me very unpopular with my target picture book audience. Hence, I will claim situational agreement, and say: I am a Pro-Plutonium. Does that make me radioactive?
You’re avoiding the question. NOW who’s being a politician?
No way. I’m a modern dancer.
All modern politicians dance around the issues.
Check and mate!
Pardon me while I slink back to my cave, tale between my legs…..
Aw, don’t go… I was hoping to hire you for my campaign.
Your TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD List is excellent. Well done. The only problem is that so many of us would vote for you, that maybe you would win, which is something I know is NOT on your TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD List, so I’m conflicted on that one.
Next, you know I have to say it. Have you watched Groundhog Day? An excellent Rom-Com, even though you have insisted you don’t like Rom-Com’s (except Princess Bride).
Lastly, your mom may be anti-whimsy, but she’s very pro-MikeAllegra, and THAT is why she’s willing to go to visit the ridiculous Punxsutawney Phil. So there.
I love the movie Groundhog Day. It’s one of my favorites.
OK, so I’m not as anti-rom-com as I thought. I also like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which also sort of applies. A lot of Harold Lloyd silent comedies would also qualify, think. I’m gonna have to give this rom-com thing a bit more thought.
Ahhh, you have made my day complete!! Y E S!! (and I just saw Groundhog Day two weeks ago – again – as good as ever/always/will be forever). ❤
Bill Murray’s best, I think.
Hands down.
My TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD list items:
1. Be the villain in a play.
2. Own an Irish Wolfhound.
3. Live where the temp never gets lower than 65 Fahrenheit.
Being a villain in a play is all that and a bag of chips. Good choice. And break a leg at that future audition!
This is like 9gag…
The post is humorous but the comments… That is the real stuff.
Thank you for noticing, sir! I take pride in cultivating a blog that attracts witty commenters.
My lists often involve touching or hugging animals too! Sadly most places you can touch a wildcat are not known to treat them well- I continue to search for a good place that I wouldn’t feel guilty about going to. Capybaras are really cute- I’ve scratched one at a zoo once and he loved it!:) I like the swimming pig idea too! So many wacky animal interactions to add to my list! Thanks for the laughs!
Where did you scratch a capy? The only capybaras near me are in zoos. And scratching is not permitted.
Capybara was at Southwicks zoo- he was at the fence begging to be scratched:) I doubt it is permitted but it was quick and he enjoyed the scratching. Very course hair btw.
A little scratch might tide me over, but I really need a capy hug.
I want a capybara! I’ve seen pictures of them before but didn’t know what they were called. Damn it I can’t think of what’s on my bucket list and you always tell me off if I fob you off with something and don’t actually answer your questions! Or if I say I’ll think about it and come back, you don’t like that do you? Ok, so here goes, on my bucket list is….crackle….crackle….wait, the line is…crackle…breaking up….I can’t hear you….crackle…Mike? Can you h….
You disappoint me. Again.
I’ve got write a book on my bucket list, in fact I’ve just started a blog where I’m writing short stories to kind of sharpen my writing skills, would you mind checking out what I’ve got so far and letting me know what you think? https://zanyyouth.wordpress.com/
Good luck with your book, Zany. I’ll stop on over to your place soon.
Thanks 🙂
The presidential campaign thing is a brilliant idea. Considering your drawing talents, I think a t-shirt with “Allegra for President” and an amazing doodle would be cool. No campaign funds necessary since everyone will be wearing your doodle. You’ll be on the ballot in no time! 😉
I like your thinking, Laura. When I assemble my campaign staff, you’ll be the first one I call.
I’m afraid you would most likely win the presidency. Look at Trump. He’s saying everything off the top of his head (I refuse to say brain) and he is popular. It would be hilarious if he won the Republican nod. Hillary should beat him soundly. Still your . . . unusual acronym of a list is interesting, though why you would want to get up in the freezing cold to check out a groundhog is beyond me. My list would include going on one more cruise (always went with mom and she is gone), tour Europe, and live somewhere near the equator where it is always warm. Good luck with your list, Mike.
Trump is the first person I would call a “poopie head.”
A “poopie carrot head!”
Indeed.
That’s a good list. I think one of the jobs in the world is being a former president – you are suddenly respected, get paid an annual stipend on top of speech fees, and get to go and work on whatever world problem you actually care about most. However, you have to be president first.
Last month, I just made a bucket list for this month because I was so busy with grad school. My current bucket lists includes exciting things like, eat breakfast, get enough sleep, and do laundry. I’ll have to work on finer items for a long-term bucket list.
That sounds a bit more like a How To Get Through My Day List.
Right now, getting through the day sounds great.
Well, Mike, you got my vote! You had me at “deporting Justin Beiber” 😀
I better be careful with my campaign promises; I might actually win this thing.
hehe…here’s hopin’! 😉
3 things on my bucket list:
1- make a YouTube channel
2- get 3 dogs! (And 2 Guinea pigs)
3- travel to Thailand
Loved this post!
I wholeheartedly approve of the guinea pigs item. They are perhaps that finest pets ever.
Then you lost me with Thailand.
My TTIWLTDASPIMLBHNTDWMFOCSIIDGTDTIRWBABD List includes going to Japan. 🙂 I like your list (and [giant] acronym)! 😀
Interesting. Why Japan, Erik?
Uhm… my conclusion?? You’re weird? ha ha! Oh wait! That’s a given! LOL!
I’m afraid I’m with your wife on the whole Groundhog day thing! First of all, I don’t do cold! So that wouldn’t work for me either. And well, you’re weird for wanting to do that! Wait… we covered that already!
As for running for President? You might as well.. hell, everyone else is!! *sigh*
I will tell you what! If you run, I promise to vote for you! 😉
I appreciate your vote for little ol’ weird me — but don’t encourage your friends to vote for me, OK? Remember: I want to lose.
Oh no problem there!!! LOL! But I don’t think there is much danger…. 😛
Whew!
Nice one . I enjoyed reading it.
Oh, you!
I’ve been working my way through your blog and I can’t get enough. just thought i’d stop in here and let you know. Can’t wait to read more from you in the future!
If I lived in the States, I would vote for you in a heartbeat!! 🙂
Oh, aren’t you lovely! But remember, I don’t want to win. Terrible job, that.
Right, I would vote you off the island!
Good. I would hate to be on that damn island with all of those backstabbers.
First, I have to thank you for showing us that capybaras don’t care who comes calling as long as they come scratching. Secondly, that guy really was a bad president. And, thirdly, I think groundhogs are adorable–hence, my running-around-like-a-chicken-with-its-head-cut-off when my dog decided to catch and kill one. https://bmoreenergy.wordpress.com/2015/08/21/lucy-versus-groundhogs/
Your dog needs to mind his manners! Groundhogs are NOT chew toys!
My bucket list consists of going places and doing stuff. It’s a comprehensive and growing list, I assure you. Most recently I considered karaoke and having sex in ‘no mans land’. There’s a few things in life I think everyone should do at least once, and those are both worthy I think. I’d also like to visit Lesoto which I believe is a country ‘within a country’ that is entirely surrounded on all sides by South Africa.
Is “no man’s land” a place of a euphemism?
You mean as in the said act with “no men allowed”? 😉