Guest Post By Lucy The Rat

Me!
Me!

Hiya all!

Because my person is getting assaulted by whimsy at Disney World, I was asked to take over his blog this week. It’s great to be here!

So! I understand that many of you are Crazy Cat People. My person and I are not fans of cats. Did you not know that?

And it’s worse than you think. Last year, my person even installed a gun turret on the roof of his KIA Spectra. Whenever he is unable to sleep; or gets writer’s block; or has that strange, faraway look in his eye, he’ll hop in the car and cruise around the neighborhood searching for feral cats to spray with bullets.

Even I find this behavior disturbing.

But I have said too much. Let’s just sat that my person has a touch of the cray-cray and leave it at that.

Anyhoo… The day after my person left for Disney, I decided to visit the local gals who live under the Burger King dumpster.

So we were all chewing the fat (literally) and getting along really well, when I say to them, “Hey! We should start a business!”

And they’re all like, “How can a bunch of sewer rats go into business?”

And I go, “Well, a bunch of sewer rats can’t go into business, but a bunch of sewer rats AND a domesticated fancy rat can move mountains! And by ‘move mountains’ I mean ‘rob a Wallgreens!’”

The sewer rats agreed, and a good time was had by all.

On a related note, I have a rat cage full Pall Malls that need to move ASAP. I know Pall Malls are pretty much only smoked by gas station attendants, but if you’re willing to switch brands and/or become a gas station attendant, I’ll make it worth your while. $1.50 a pack. That is not a typo, Cat People. To get a great deal like that anywhere else you would need a Hot Tub Time Machine. So gimmie a call.

Or if you don’t smoke, no prob. I’ll use my time here to chat with you about anything at all. Fire away, peeps!

I’m Going to Disneyworld!

As many of you know, I am pro-rodent (or “prodent”). So it is only right that I should periodically have a meet ‘n’ greet with a giant mouse in Florida.

Because of this, I won’t be able to do much of anything on this blog for the next two weeks.

But don’t worry; my pet rat, Lucy, promised to write something pithy during my absence.

My understudy.
My understudy.

Here’s hoping she’ll keep her profanity in check. For once. 

Celebrate Cats! Ugh.

And it has come to this.
And it has come to this.

As regular readers of this blog know, I am not a fan of cats.

I am horribly allergic.

I am also a protector of the cute, fuzzy, little animals that cats enjoy killing. Like this angel:

Her names is Lucy and I looooove her.
Her names is Lucy and I looooove her.

So cats are not welcome anywhere near the Allegra house.

Many of you devoted cat owners out there have chosen to look past my anti-feline stance. You are wonderful, forgiving people who accept me for who I am. I thank you.

But one of you, using a form of extortion that would make Tony Soprano flinch, forced me draw a picture of one.

Just kidding. Jilanne Hoffmann is actually a wonderful person. A few months ago, she and I made a deal. Jilanne would use her son to promote my organization, Humans Against Celebrity Kid Stories (H.A.C.K.S.), and I, in turn, would draw a commemorative postage stamp on the subject of his choice.

I used to draw these stamps all the time for my own son. Here’s a small sampling from Alex’s collection:

Celebrate Showers

Bed!

Celebrate sand

I also made Alex a couple of gross ones.

Snot!

Toots

Jilanne held up her end of the bargain, so I owed her son a stamp. Since her boy is nine, I assumed I would be drawing a sequel to Snot or Toots. So you can imagine my surprise when he asked for “Celebrate Cats.”

I tried to convince him otherwise. I truly did. Rats are cuter, I told him. Much cuter. But he was unpersuaded.

So here’s your cat, kid. You’ll get the original drawing in the mail in a few days. And don’t ask me for anything else until you learn how to properly appreciate rodents. I have a Celebrate Guinea Pigs stamp in me just aching to get out.

***

What’s that? You wanna be cool like Jilanne and join the H.A.C.K.S. team? Click HERE to learn about the organization and click HERE to become a member!