“You’re lying on the couch,” my muse observes with an arched eyebrow.
“Yes,” I say.
“You’re eating ice cream,” she continues. “While lying on the couch.”
“Yes,” I repeat.
“And you’re watching Spaceballs.”
“Yes,” I say again. “I am watching Spaceballs while eating ice cream while lying on the couch.”
She chitters with disapproval. “Is this a new way to write that nobody told me about?”
“I’m writing,” I reply. “Writing is about a lot more than typing, you know. You need time to, you know, ponder things.”
“Oh, so this is ‘pondering,’ then?” She flicks an invisible speck of dust from her whisker. “Because what you’re doing looks an awful lot like ‘farting around.’”
“Well, that’s why you’re not a writer.” I shoot back. I shovel a tablespoon of cookie dough ice cream into my maw to serve as a kind of punctuation. Then I add a postscript: “Leave me alone. I’m sick.”
But this news only emboldens her. She leaps upon the couch and scampers over to my ice cream bowl. “Sore throat?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“Mucus?” Her nose is a-twitch with sympathy.
“Yes.”
“Ice cream is bad for mucus-y sore throats.”
At that, she burrows her face into my bowl.
“HEY! EW! What do you think you’re doing?”
When she finally comes up for air, her face is more ice cream that face. “I’m pondering,” she replies.
She skims some of the goo from her muzzle with her delicate paw and laps it up. It’s a gesture that manages to be dainty and disgusting at the same time.
I sigh. “Look, I just spent the whole summer banging out a four-book series. So…”
“So…what?” she asks.
“So I deserve a break.”
“From writing.”
“Yes,” I say. As I say this, however, I’m not quite sure I believe it.
“A break.” Between bites of ice cream, my muse rolls the the words over her tongue, trying them out. “A break,” she says again. “A break, a break, a break.”
Her expression grows hard. “BREAK’S OVER! GET YOUR FAT, LAZY TUCHUS OFF OF THIS COUCH!”
The sheer ferocity of her words raise me into a sitting position.
She pokes a scolding paw into my kidney. “And don’t let me ever let me catch you congratulating yourself for doing a job you desperately wanted to do in the first place!”
I feel myself nod.
“You’ve had a run of good publishing luck lately,” she says. “Who knows how long that luck of yours is going to last?”
Those words rattle around in my head. An unease, a sudden urge to get moving overwhelms me.
How long is it going to last? I wonder. A year? A month? Maybe less? Am I squandering my finite allotment of precious luck watching Spaceballs in the middle of the afternoon?
Memories of rejection flood my brain. Hundreds and hundreds of rejections.
I leap to my feet, my sore throat and mucus forgotten. The rantings of Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet fade into an incomprehensible, mumbling fog.
My muse plucks a good-sized chunk of cookie dough from my bowl. She shoves it into her mouth and continues to lecture through distended cheeks. “You need to stay hungry, buddy boy.”
“I will,” I say.
And I’m grateful for her words. She’s a pesky muse, but a wise one.
“You’re pretty smart for a rat,” I say.
“All rats are pretty smart,” she replies with a dismissive wave. Then she adds: “Especially when a rat is compared to you.”
She takes my place on the couch and adjusts her ample hindquarters into a cushion dent. “I’m gonna finish this ice cream for you.” she says. “And before you go, turn this crap off. Lawrence of Arabia is playing on TCM.”
My gratitude morphs into irritation. An impertinent rat always gets my dander up. “Why certainly,” I say. “Is there anything else I can do for you, your majesty?”
“Yes,” she replies, ignoring the sarcasm. “I want a thousand words by dinnertime. And those words better be gold.”
***
Thanks to the decidedly unratty Diana at Myths of the Mirror for serving as my muse for this post.
Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! 
My muse, ethereal and multi-dimensional, salutes your muse, a wise ice cream-loving rat, for knowing the way to spur you and your writing on: pure guilt and insecurity. Although she has yet to use these measures with me, I know she’s considered them. However, your muse is a rat to insinuate that your success will be short-lived. In your own admittance, you’ve continued on despite hundreds of rejections – a successful writer’s lament. If you had allowed insecurity to stop your publishing efforts, the loss would be felt by all of us. So, my muse has a message to your muse: “Allow him a little ice cream, a little Spaceballs. He deserves a one-day break. Then, place your whiskers in his ears and twitch.”
I understand your views regarding breaks and I do agree with them. But rats don’t let opportunities slip away. Lucy’s view (and it’s a sage-like view, I think) is that when you’re on a roll, you gotta keep rolling!
So roll I shall!
Roll on – but maybe with a scoop of ice cream? ❤
Oh, yes. I can roll and eat.
May I borrow your rat? My rat has become dysfunctional. It might be because there is no ice ream in the house.
My muse wouldn’t do you much good, then. ALL rats are dysfunctional without tasty foodstuffs.
Also, rats hate the song “I Don’t Want To Play In Your Yard.” Just sayin’.
Oh, that would be a problem. I wouldn’t be able to make any promises.
WRITE!!! IN HERE TOO!!! I miss reading you.
Did Bluebell pay out then?
Yes, but the odds were 3 to 5, so I can’t yet retire.
So write another book and let’s get ON with it!!
Yes’m.
And hop to it….*sits on the couch with a container of Moose Tracks* <—best ice cream EVAH!!
Stop trying to bribe my muse.
no
So glad to see a post from you Mike! I’m glad you have had a productive summer!! Now get to work! We have missed you! 😉
Yes’m.
Aw Lucy, you sweet rascal!
Yes, indeedy. Lucy lives on through pesky blog posts.
Awww! I love Ratties!
I can tell you’re a fine fellow, Michael.
Why thank you! :p lol. I do have to admit that I follwed you orginally because you had a Rat. Anyone who has a Rat and loves their Rat has to be an ok guy! 😀
I have had Rats since I was little, they are wonderful creatures who make lovely compaions and have such wonderful personalities… although they steal your food like there is no-tomorrow. But it is part of their charm I think!
I’ve always been a fan of wee rodents. In addition to two rats, I had a guinea pig and a few gerbils. I also set up temporary accommodations for a pair of mice I caught in my home (it was too cold outside to release them back into the wild so I kept them well fed and happy in a spare cage for a couple of weeks).
But there is nothing quite like the whip-smart, entitled moxie of a rat. Nothing.
There is something very special about Rats… From their bright and curious eyes to the way they steal stuff from from between your fingers! Not forgetting their wonderful chattering and talking. They are also amazingly loving. My one Ratty baby used to curl up in the crook of my elbow whenever I was sick in bed and talk to me.
Aw! That’s adorable. My rats were never that affectionate. They were little hummingbirds of endless energy.
Lol that too! I have been mugged by my rats more times than I can count! Mostly when I have something yummy to eat lmao.
Perhaps the best way to describe rats is “adorable opportunists.”
lol That would be a very good way to describe rats. 😀
Rats! Does this mean you will be on an extended blog-cation? And…congratulations on your new deal!
No! It means I’m finally getting my bloggy butt back in gear!
YAY!!!
Awesome, Mike. I’m so glad you took up the challenge. I’m sort of amazed how many of us have muses that crack the bullwhip and eat ice cream – even if they’re rats with huge personalities. Four books in a summer is fabulous! And you deserve an afternoon on the couch if you can get away with it… which seems unlikely. Happy Writing.
Great muse minds think alike I suppose.
And happy writing to you, too!
I’ll share this on Sunday. Let the rat know. 😀
I shall. And thanks!
Yay! You’re off your bum! 😉 But no, really – it’s great to see a post from you, and I hope you have a bestseller written by the end of this week. 😉
You and me both, buddy! Thanks!
As you know, I’m particularly fond of wise(ass) rodents. Time to get cracking on the writing! Fun post. 🙂
Thanks, my friend. And do give Will and Griz my warmest regards.
What a fun post. They always make me smile and make my day feel a little lighter. I have been dragging all day, not wanting to sit down and write some reviews (minus the ice cream). Finally, started writing and my browser problems began. Love your smart-ass muse.
I’ll certainly let my muse know that you appreciate her wit and wisdom.
Also, starting with this post, I am committed to getting back to a regular weekly blog schedule. So feel free to expect more bloggy nonsense from me soon!
Your muse is hungry for your success, Mike, but even if you sweeten her up with cookie dough ice cream she’s still a rat! Isn’t it amazing how such a small creature can command so much power over us writers? My muse appeared in the form of several animals when I was trying to find him. Maybe if I send mine over to you we could set up a little zoo.
I like the Muse Zoo idea, Shallow. But your muses don’t take the form of cats, do they?
If you check out my blog post you will find there was a cat involved but probably not my muse. You and I shared the same post on D. Wallace Peach’s site on Sunday. I was honored to be in such great company! I looked for my muse in the backyard and found quite the menagerie. https://mythsofthemirror.com/2017/09/17/a-rat-named-lucy-and-a-backyard-muse/
I’m headin’ over right now!
You’re funny. Aaaaand now I’m a subscriber!
Thank you so much, Mike! I’m tickled that you subscribed and I won’t disappoint you. Much.
All these muse posts have been so fun. Yours is no exception. Well done. And cute mouse pic.
Thanks! But that, my friend, is not a mouse. ‘Tis a rat. A very pesky, irksome rat.
I find your rat amusing.
Thanks for correcting this. My muse is ornery.
Another fun muse adventure. I’m glad you joined the muse mayhem Mike. Kudos to you, Diana, Lucy and the mangy muse gang. Brad subbing for Missing Muse Brad
Are you saying you are muse-less, Brad?
LOL. We’re having “issues”. 🙂
You’re welcome to borrow my rat for a time. But be warned: she has “issues” with everybody.
Rats! We all have issues. 🙂
What a fun piece!! Your muse sounds really smart and quite demanding. Good for her/you!
Kathrin — http://mycupofenglishtea.wordpress.com
All rat muses are smart and demanding, I’m afraid!
Having pondered sufficiently I’ve concluded that I adore this!
Thank you! It’s fun to ponder. Especially if you have a bowl of ice cream.
Awesome, post. I guess all us writers are a poor lot with awful muses who never give us a moments peace. Thank you for making me laugh.
So very true. Have you chronicled your own muse’s musings?
Hi Mike, thank you for the laugh ! I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your muse. She seems like quite a character 🙂 Dynamite comes in small packages, LOL, she is a feisty one, and I like her style. Four book series in summer…that is amazing! All the best and happy writing ! 🙂
Thanks for the kind words, Lynne! To be perfectly honest, my rat is 50% muse and 50% drill sergeant.
OMG! Love this! Never considered a rat as a muse, but yours seems to be a good fit. Have a great writing week!
And may your own muse be similarly inspirational.
Better get on it! You’ve got two more to write. And after that? Hmmm. Better eat ice cream and watch movies in secret, if you know what’s good for you. Congrats, again, on keeping those contracts rolling in!
Thank you, my friend.
And you’re not kidding about me getting offa my butt. It looks like the Book 5 deadline is gonna be in December! Gah!
Deadlines. Just like being a reporter, isn’t it? Only now you’ve got to come up with a plot, make kids laugh, AND get their parents to buy it for them, too. No pressure…..
I think I know what I want to be when I grow up.
A muse! We get to yell at people, lay on the couch watching t.v. and eat ice cream.
What could be better.
I am no even going to comment on the creepiness of rodents, their cousins, and distant relatives.
Haha this was such a fun story! 🙂
Managing to be both dainty and disgusting at the same time ….masterly! I was born in the Chinese Year of the Rat – we are natural leaders and very very smart, so I’m told. That said, I’m afraid I probably need a ratty muse to poke me in the metaphorical ass and get me going many days. Loved this. Thank you.
Good characters in your post. Different from each other and both likable.