DAD: Where are you taking me?
MIKE: To the barber.
DAD: Not this way you’re not.
MIKE: Yes. This way. This is the fast way.
DAD: This isn’t the fast way. This is the opposite way. You needed to turn left back there.
MIKE: Look at the GPS. The GPS says we’ll get there in 11 minutes.
DAD: Eleven minutes? This way?
MIKE: Yes. This way.
MIKE: Well, let’s see. Okay?
(Long pause. DAD looks out the window. He sighs loudly.)
DAD: You have no idea where you’re going.
MIKE: That’s the beauty of GPS, Dad. I don’t need to know where I’m going. (Beat.) And I do know where I’m going.
DAD: You do, huh?
DAD: You do.
DAD: Where are you going?
MIKE: Crazy. I’m going crazy.
DAD: Well, you’re crazy to go this way.
MIKE: Will you just…
DAD: This is not where the haircut place is. You’re too far north.
MIKE: Then I’ll get your haircut in Syracuse.
(Pause. DAD looks out the window. He sighs. MIKE turns right.)
DAD: No. You don’t go…
(DAD sighs again.)
DAD: (Muttering, almost sing-songy:) Don’t know where you’re going…
MIKE: (Emphatically gesturing to the GPS.) Will you just look? Look. Look at it. The GPS turned me around! I’m not going north. I’m going south. And I avoided all the lights.
DAD: My way…
MIKE: Your way is roundabout.
DAD: It’s roundabout but direct.
MIKE: What does that even mean?
DAD: It means you’re going the wrong way.
MIKE: I’m going the wrong way now? South?
DAD: No, not now. Before. Back there.
MIKE: But I’m going the right way now.
DAD: Yes. Finally.
MIKE: Then everything’s fine.
DAD: (Under his breath:) You go all the way up north, just to turn around and go south.
MIKE: Geeze, will you relax?
DAD: I am relaxed.
MIKE: I’m going to get you there!
MIKE: So just enjoy the drive!
MIKE: You don’t have to worry about a thing!
MIKE: So sit yourself back and savor all of this quality father/son time!
DAD: You got it.
(DAD stares out the window. There is a very long silence.)
DAD: As soon as you get lost, I’ll be right here to help you out.
MIKE: OH, MY GOD! Dad, GPS doesn’t just tell you how to get someplace. It tells you the fastest way to get someplace. So even if your way to the barber was the fastest route…
DAD: It is the fastest route.
MIKE: It is not the fastest route. But even if it was — and it’s not — it wouldn’t the fastest route at this moment in time. Maybe there’s an accident on your route. Maybe there’s construction. There isn’t an accident or construction on your route, because your route stinks, but if your route was a good route that might be a reason why we’d be going this way and… Wait. (Beat.) Crap.
DAD: Gotta problem?
MIKE: You got me so worked up I missed the turn.
DAD: You a little turned around?
DAD: Go left.
MIKE: The GPS needs to recalibrate.
MIKE: (GPS recalibrates.) Okay. I got it. It’s back.
DAD: Little confused, are ya?
MIKE: No, I am not a little confused. I just needed to wait a second for the GPS to ––
DAD: Turn left.
MIKE: I KNOW WE TURN LEFT!
(They pull up to the barbershop. MIKE stews behind the wheel. DAD smiles.)
DAD: I’m glad I could help.