Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow!

April 21, 2013April 22, 2013

The Stamp Act

And the Celebrate Stamp Saga continues.

Are you not familiar with the Celebrate Stamp Saga? Well, it all began when I was forced to draw a “Celebrate Cats” stamp.

The recipient of that cat stamp was the nine-year-old son of blogger extraordinaire Jilanne Hoffmann. The young man enjoyed my doodling efforts, I’m pleased to say, and, as a thank you, he sent me a hilarious, hand-drawn comic book and a “Celebrate Falling” stamp.

I was impressed and grateful. So I sent him a thank you note with another stamp drawing, “Celebrate Comics.”

In response, he has drawn a few more stamps that Jilanne recently posted on her blog.

You get the picture, I think; I have just gotten myself entangled in a Celebrate Stamp Cold War. I suspect that I am outgunned.

But it aint over yet! Watch your back, Hoffmanns. A Celebrate Stamp drone attack will be coming your way when you least expect it!

***

On an entirely different note, April is National Poetry Month!

Though I am not terribly well-versed (Ha!), I do sometimes give the rhyming thing a go. For example, thanks to Vanessa Chapman and her inexplicable love of seagulls, I was forced to write an ode to head lice.

I also bang out a couple of couplets in the comment sections of other blogs. At Catherine Johnson’s place, for example I penned this little gem:

Master Sculptor, bearing chisel,
Stopped his work to take a whizzle.
And so the marble had to wait,
For Sculptor to evacuate.

Wait! Where are you going? There’s more!

This next poem is out of season, but, hey, why not? In December, Sarah Wesson hosted a contest, asking her readers to write a poem. After a little cajoling on Sarah’s part, I wrote the following to the tune of Jingle Bells. Please feel free to sing it out loud at work:

Writing Christmas cards,
To those who do not care,
Like stupid Uncle Ted,
Does his still live there?
Oh, wait, I think he died,
Killed by a crazy tramp,
Gee, that really made my day,
I saved myself a stamp!

See how I brought the post back around to the topic of stamps? Pretty good, eh? This is why they pay me the big bucks!

But, seriously, Hoffmanns, you guys are going down.

April 14, 2013April 16, 2013

Outrageous Fortune

I’m not a fan of Chinese food. Never was. Years ago, when my parents and older sister noshed on moo shu pork, I was served scrambled eggs with a side dish of threats:

“If you say our food smells like poop one more time,” Mom announced, “I’m going to make you eat it.”

But I always liked fortune cookies — not for the taste, which was, at best, meh, but for the secret message. Opening one always made me feel like a spy.

“Here is a message from my contact,” I thought. “Now I will know where to find the microfilm!”

So, poop smell or no, as least I could look forward to that.

I bring this up because there has been some fortune cookie news that has recently come to my attention. Some parents complained about the fortunes they received. These fortunes, they asserted, were “suggestive” and inappropriate for children.

Here is an example of one such suggestive fortune:

“One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes.”

Shocking, I know. I hope my blog dosn’t lose its “G” rating.

Complaints like this don’t surprise me. Some people’s lives are defined by being outraged. So this kind of stuff is par for the course.

Wonton Foods, the world’s largest fortune cookie baker and the target of this parental outrage, responded to the complaint. In a public statement, the company announced that, from now on, it would no longer print fortunes of a romantic nature.

This didn’t surprise me either. All things considered, who cares if the “You will meet a tall, dark stranger,” fortunes go missing?

But then Wonton Foods said something that did surprise me. The company vowed that its new fortunes “[will no longer] upset a single person.”

What bothers me about the above statement — aside from the fact that it is ludicrous and unobtainable — is that the company is giving itself permission to be bland. I offer as proof an actual fortune that will be found in the new and improved Wonton Foods cookie:

“You make every day special.”

Thanks, Barney the Dinosaur!

Oh, and congratulations, Wonton Foods, for you have already failed the Won’t-Upset-A-Single-Person Test, for I am offended by your fortune’s lameness.

*Sigh*

OK, I’m done with the snarkiness.

Listen, Wonton, I understand your position. I do. I understand why you decided to remove the romantic fortunes. I think it is absurd that you were pressured to do so, but I get it.

But you will never not offend all of the people all of the time. The world is full of nutty people and there is no way to anticipate what will set them off. Could you have ever predicted the firestorm that accompanied, “One who admires you greatly is hidden before your eyes?” See my point?

So please put that ‘not offending anyone” idea out of your mind right now. Instead, take solace in knowing that, by employing good taste and common sense, you can avoid offending most people. That’s good enough.

And when more complaints trickle in – and they will – deal with them on a case-by-case basis, apologize freely, and move on.

A real fortune I received. Food for thought.

That said, there is a silver lining here, Wonton. Why not use your new “No Romance” policy to try something different and exciting? The most creative solutions often emerge when creators are confronted with barriers and restrictions.

Your new fortunes could be enigmatic. They could offer genuine insight. Be witty and wise. Ask a soul-searching question that can serve as a conversation starter.

You could actually use your cookie to provide an after dinner morsel of profundity. How cool is that?

Please contact me, Wonton. I’d love to hear what you think. I’m easy to spot; I’m the guy eating scrambled eggs.

Commenters! My wonderful, creative commenters!

Do you have a fortune you would like to pitch to Wonton Foods? Write it below! Show the fine folks at Wonton how it’s done!

April 7, 2013

Introducing the H.A.C.K.S. Seal of Approval

Are you a member of H.A.C.K.S. yet? No?

Do you at least know what H.A.C.K.S. stands for? No?

Sheesh. I need some PR people.

H.A.C.K.S. stands for Humans Against Celebrity Kid Stories. I founded the organization last year as a way to ever-so-gently dissuade people from buying picture books written by celebrities.

The reason? Simple. Because most of these celebrity-written children’s books are – and this is backed up by years of careful study – stinky.

Want to learn more about H.A.C.K.S.? Wonderful! Click here for info.

Are you one of those devil-may-care types who join organizations without knowing anything about them? Wonderful! Click here and “like” the page.

Now let’s get to the subject of this post. Although it has been proven that most celebrity children’s books are stinky, some are not. Case in point: Charming actress and fiber-filled-yogurt pitchwoman Jamie Lee Curtis has written several excellent picture books.

You can get regular be eating yogurt? Who knew? SHE did. — You can get regular by eating yogurt? Who knew?
SHE did.

Yes, Ms. Curtis is a celebrity but she is also a writer. She deserves, I think, immunity from any H.A.C.K.S. initiatives.

So I propose The H.A.C.K.S. Seal of Approval, an honor to be presented to a celebrity whose book (or books) can proudly stand alongside books that were written by people who do this writing thing for a living.

With the H.A.C.K.S. membership’s permission, I would like to nominate Ms. Curtis as our very first Seal of Approval recipient. All in favor?

Please also consider this post to be a solicitation for future H.A.C.K.S. Seal of Approval nominees. Have a suggestion? Have you read a celebrity children’s book that impressed you? Moved you? Made you laugh?

If so, fellow H.A.C.K.S.ters, leave a comment! Together let us encourage great writing!