This is a little something I wrote to make myself chuckle. Here’s hoping you find it similarly chuckleworthy:
To The New Editor of The Clifftonian
Dear Sir or Madam (though considering this school, I am pretty certain you are a Sir),
Allow me to be the first to welcome you to the Steeplecliff School! You now are seated at the helm of the most prestigious private secondary school alumni magazine in the northernmost half of the Mid Atlantic Region (sans Connecticut and certain blocks on the Upper West Side).
With a circulation of 19,000, The Clifftonian is the school’s most prominent and significant marketing tool. Each issue serves to remind our alumni that Steeplecliff is a stellar and respected educational institution with a rich and vibrant history, and not just the place where Headmaster Bowen Snapchatted his naughty bits.
I had the privilege to serve as The Clifftonian’s editor for the past eight years – and would still be there if a tempting new job opportunity hadn’t presented itself. Before I begin my new career as the night barista at the Bay Terrace Barnes & Noble, I thought it would behoove us both if I took a moment to explain a few nuances of the job.
First of all, Headmaster Bowen doesn’t like $10 words like “behoove.” So there’s that.
The Clifftonian uses a unique style manual that is neither AP nor The New York Times nor anything else you might recognize. Instead, we have something that we affectionately refer to as “The Steeplecliff Style,” a set of grammar and syntax rules based on whatever Headmaster Bowen says “looks right.”
There is no written record of The Steeplecliff Style. You will be tempted to rectify this. Please don’t trouble yourself, for Headmaster Bowen describes The Steeplecliff Style as “a living organism, subject to changes and growth spurts not unlike a lad’s journey toward manhood.” He is true to his word; on several occasions, a burst of headmaster-initiated grammatical puberty turned my prose into a wispy tuft of armpit hair.
The Steeplecliff School has a very active alumni community. This is why Alumni Director Sean Dixon always looks as if he is in the middle of a vexing bowel movement. Try not to provoke Dixon unnecessarily; it will not end well.
Alumni involvement extends to the magazine, too. The first phone call your will receive will be from Johnson “Johnnycakes” Cartwright Wemble, Esq. ’51, who lives in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. His pretense for calling will be to demand more stories about the Class of 1951 – in particular his classmate who invented a food additive that was discontinued in the 1970s because it gave children crippling diarrhea.
The real reason for Mr. Wemble’s call, however, is to trick you into repeating the name of his hometown. Please be aware that it is pronounced Lan-kiss-ter, not Lan-cass-ter. If you say Lan-cass-ter, Mr. Wemble’s next call will be to Alumni Director Sean Dixon, whereby he will demand your immediate dismissal. Dixon will interpret Mr. Wemble’s call as evidence that you wish to provoke him unnecessarily. It will not end well.
Another alumnus who will be eager to introduce himself is Carter “Wooly Willie” Wilhelm Donaldson III ’79. He is a self-published author who writes historical novels set in the antebellum South. He also really likes the N-word. Despite Mr. Donaldson’s insistence, his work is not quite suitable for The Clifftonian’s “Alumni Authors” department. Once you break the bad news to him, he, too, will complain to Alumni Director Sean Dixon. Dixon, in turn, will interpret Mr. Donaldson’s call as more evidence that you wish to provoke him unnecessarily. It will not end well.
Long story short, during your tenure you will be on the receiving end of many alumni requests that you will be unable to honor.
Also, alumni Director Sean Dixon will really, really hate you.
As you may have noticed, Class Notes plays a prominent role in each issue of The Clifftonian. The dozens of Class Secretaries who write the notes for each issue are loyal alumni volunteers and generous contributors to the school. They are proud, accomplished, and highly educated. They also do not know how to use semicolons, colons, ellipses, capitals, commas, periods, or personal pronouns.
As a consequence, you will be asked to edit news items such as this one from Dr. Wilhelm Cartwright Carter Wemble Donaldson-Johnson Jr. ’84:
Went to Store….…saw Bob: is working @ Merrill Lynch as “Fund” Manager; Having GREAT fun!!!
At first glance, Dr. Donaldson-Johnson Jr.’s note looks like an editing nightmare, but fear not. It is in full compliance with The Steeplecliff School’s style manual. That’s not to say I didn’t edit this; after delicate negotiations with Alumni Director Sean Dixon, I was permitted to remove 15 exclamation points.
The Clifftonian is not all Class Notes, of course. It just feels that way. As for the rest of the magazine, you will enjoy a certain degree of editorial freedom. In fact, you can write feature stories about anything you wish as long as you wish to write feature stories about wealthy donors.
All of our wealthy donors are in banking. All banking people are persuaded to become bankers by their banking dads. The uniformity of these banker stories may feel creatively stifling, but it also provides an opportunity to implement a level of efficiency not found at many other alumni magazines. Enclosed with this letter, you will find a printout of my Alumni Banker Feature Story Template. It is set up a bit like MadLibs; just fill in the blanks with the pertinent names, dates, and net-worths, and you’ll have the spring issue put together in no time at all.
That should get you up to speed. Once again, welcome aboard! I’m sure you settle in for a long and productive tenure.
And, yes, I’ll be happy to give you a heads up once a café job becomes available.
Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! 
Chuckleworthy and LitMag worthy:)
Thank you, my friend! No LitMag has bought it yet, but someday perhaps.
Wispy tuft of armpit hair… *snicker*
I admit, that made me snicker, too.
I hope this isn’t the situation at your job. Ha ha.
Oh, goodness, no. There is no wealth at NJCU!
😀
Good thing the barista position is working out. Very funny! 🙂
There are days when I prefer to be paid in lattes.
Congrats on the new job! I’ll have a venti, half-whole milk, one quarter 1%, one quarter non-fat, extra hot, split quad shots (1 1/2 shots decaf, 2 1/2 shots regular), no foam latte, with whip, 2 packets of splenda, 1 sugar in the raw, a touch of vanilla syrup and 3 short sprinkles of cinnamon. 😁. Please!
Sorry, that’s too complicated. Howzabout some Sanka in a dirty mug?
(BTW: Does Sanka still exist? ‘Cause it sure as hell shouldn’t.)
Ugh!!! You ruined my coffee…I can’t get the memory of Sanka from my taste buds!
BTW…a little trivia. I have some of the china from the man who created Sanka…is that cool, or should I be embarrassed?
I don’t know if it is cool or embarrassing, but it certainly sounds like a good story! Do tell!
A couple of guys by the name of Arbuckle figured out how to preserve roasted coffee beans by covering them in egg whites, I believe. They were then able to ship their coffee out west and were the pioneers of the coffee trade in America. Sanka is the only original brand still in existence but someone in Tucson reopened up the brand Arbuckle Coffee and is trying to make a comeback with it. I guess it was pretty big back in the day.
My great aunt was the nurse/companion/housekeeper of John Arbuckle’s wife and when she passed she did the same for him. She lived in their home until he died.
He was quite philanthropic and did a lot to help those who were poor have more enjoyment in life.
https://nyhistorywalks.wordpress.com/2012/01/09/before-starbucks-arbuckle-coffee/
Anyway, Arbuckle gave his china to my great aunt who then gave it to my aunt, who gave it to me.
Oh, dang, that definitely falls into the cool, not embarrassing story category. Here’s hoping you drink good coffee out of the cups.
Oh, Yes…Sanka does still exist!
That is a shame.
You forgot Jared Feeblemeuster (not to be confused with Feeblemeuster), class of ’63. He will remind of the pressing need to feature campus buildings, particularly the Rotunda, of which his family were major donors. It should be noted the Rotunda is scheduled for demolition to make room for new lacrosse field. The times, they are achanging. But Jared does not need to know this. At least put him off with the phrase you will learn to adopt with profiency, “Let me pencil that in for an upcoming issue. Thanks for your support.”
Fear not: The Feeblemeuster Commemorative Rotunda Pillar will remain standing (provided his Annual Fund check clears).
He will be so happy. Then again he didn’t know.
This is fantastic.
Holy schmoley! Kim! I haven’t heard from you in a jillion years! What’s going on?
Oh you know. Writing. Editing. Laughing at your hilarity. The usual.
Well, I’m not gonna lose track of you again. Just followed your Facebook page.
And what about Bunny Flufflemeyer, the alumna and only CEO to break the glass ceiling with a pair of glass slippers given to her by her father, the CEO of the Prince (and Princess) Corporation, and husband (the son of a multi-level marketing billionaire)? And now she’s moved on (in her glass slippers) to destroy education as we know it…Surely she deserves a 20-page profile, yes?
Indeed Ms. Flufflemeyer does deserve a 20-pager, if not more. Her destruction of public education directly corresponds to the ascension of private education. And that means a significant increase in the depth (richness) and breadth (whiteness) of Steeplecliff’s applicant pool. Better still none of those prospective students will care about Headmaster Bowen’s regular propensity for exposing his dingle.
He will remind of the pressing need to feature campus buildings, particularly the Rotunda, of which his family were major donors. But Jared does not need to know this.
Jared must understand that nothing lasts forever — especially if the donations start getting skimpy.
That’s quite the cast of characters. I think this would make a good sitcom.
A cable sitcom perhaps.
Love it!! It behooves me to tell you that the wispy tuft of armpit hair is still making me giggle. 😉
In my first draft the wispy hair was not armpit.
Lol….that is funny!!
Loved the wispy tuft of armpit hair and your use of behoove. Yes it is definitely chuckle worthy. Good piece, Mike!
Thank you kindly, Jude! Chuckle-worthiness is always my first priority.
Extremely chuckleworthy! 🙂
Yay! (Now I just have to write something that is chocolate-worthy.)
When your get started you are on a roll! I laughed my way through your piece. Sometimes I think you come from another planet! Such genius!
Sometimes I think I’m from another planet, too. I’m getting medication for it.
Ouch!! You know what they say…’write what you know.’ I’m glad you left that ‘fictitious’ job to some other schmuck. Speaking of ‘s’ words, SANKA..? I haven’t heard that word in ages. You get the best comments in your blog. 🙂