I Resolve

Resolve and I.

When the pandemic first reared its ugly head, I made an executive decision: for 2021, I would not make New Year’s resolutions. As I saw it, coping with Covid required more than enough resolve, thank you very much. I didn’t need the added stress of resolving to do a bunch of other things just because it was January 1.

I held this same mindset as we slipped into 2022.

But then, a few days ago, I had a change of heart. This disease has taken a lot from each and every one of us and, dagnabbit, it wasn’t gonna take away my resolutions, too!  

I like making New Year’s resolutions. It gives me an opportunity to reflect on my thoughts and habits, my successes and failures, and my hopes and dreams. Resolutions are a commitment to myself to become a better person. I like myself when I make them.

I don’t feel so crazy about myself when I fail to keep them, however.

So to celebrate my return to resolving things, I’ve decided to make my resolutions public to keep myself on task for the coming year.

My Resolutions For 2022

I RESOLVE to no longer ignore people who wear their masks improperly. In fact, I resolve to make my new catchphrase, “It goes over the nose, too, jerkass!” (Isn’t “jerkass” a wonderful word? It was invented by my dearly departed and unapologetically profane grandma. So when I “jerkass” someone, I will be slowing the spread of Covid and honoring the old gal’s memory.)

I RESOLVE to iron on a regular basis—provided I am unable to cajole, trick, persuade, threaten, or beg Ellen to iron instead. In other words, I’m ironing on a regular basis as Ellen is surprisingly resilient to these tactics.

I RESOLVE to no longer offer cold cereal for dinner as if it’s a special treat. I also resolve to remember that calling this meal a “Cereal Party” does not disguise the fact that I’m too lazy to cook.

I RESOLVE to nod and smile when Alex begins to monologue about Dungeons and Dragons, and do so convincingly enough whereby he’ll assume I know what he’s talking about.    

I RESOLVE to write a middle grade novel with the title Pool Noodle, because, dangit, that’s a good title.

I RESOLVE to begin preparations for a 2024 bid for president. I’m running on the Perhaps-We-Should-Reconsider-Secession-Because-What-We-Have-Now-Sure-Isn’t-Working ticket. If elected, I’ll be flexible as to how the country could be cut in two, as long as Florida ends up in the country where I’m not. Florida knows what it did.

I RESOLVE to meet, cuddle, and befriend a capybara. A capybara, for those who don’t know (and shame on you!), is the world’s largest rodent. They look exactly like 100-pound guinea pigs, are semi-aquatic, and are famous for their innate ability to chillax. Full Disclosure: I actually had this item on my 2015 Bucket List, but failed to get it done. I can’t let it slide this year, however, for I have written a picture book about capybaras that will hit bookstores in the fall. It just seems wrong to write about a capybara without being friends with one.

Aww! Ain’t she cute?

And last but not least, I RESOLVE to come up with an effective and meaningful conclusion to this blog post. Eventually.  

Did you come up with resolutions this year? If so, let me know in the comments! And if not, tell me why not! In short, let’s chat!

87 Replies to “I Resolve”

  1. We, sir, your readers, will hold your feet to the fire if you do not accomplish these resolutions. You have been forewarned. (Does that sound like something that would be said when playing D&D?)

  2. I’ve resolved to write first thing in the morning, instead of exercising first which is what I’ve been doing for years. My body’s not thrilled, but I give it short stretching breaks and exercise later in the day. My brain focuses better with a less energized body which wants to do anything but sit still.

      1. I start without coffee, just to see what words tumble out of my foggy brain. Coffee happens shortly after!

  3. Thanks for the laughs, Mike. I know when I head over here, I’m going to crack a smile at least. I love your resolutions though I will continue to eat Frosted Flakes for dinner on very very special occasions, like birthdays, anniversaries, and Fridays. 🙂 And I’ll join you in whatever sane country we become that doesn’t include Florida. Lol. Stay safe, stay sane, wear your mask over your nose, and keep smiling.

      1. Ah. I wasn’t sure if it was Oregon or Colorado. No worries, Oregon will definitely be included. My preliminary plan is that every state that contains Routh 80 or is north of Route 80 will be The New America. And everything south of 80 will be The New Confederacy. I find this to be a solid starting point to begin negotiations.

    1. I don’t own an iron! And I have 100% cotton clothes that don’t wrinkle, much. But I work at home in my sweatpants . . .

    2. Ellen is right there with you on the wombats, Pam. In fact, one of the things I got her for Christmas was a wombat hand puppet. (She’s a kindergarten teacher, you see. But even if she wasn’t a kindergarten teacher, she’d probably still play with puppets.)

  4. Ha! I don’t DO New Year’s resolutions. I consider any/every day of the year the perfect time to resolve 😀 And “jerkass” is a PERfect term! God bless Grandma 😀 And I have to tell you, Mike, EVERY time I see someone wearing a mask under their nose, my stomach literally turns and I want to go over and pull it up over their nose and say basically what you said. And sometimes I DO say it if it’s a situation where I feel I can. I’ve actually gotten into a few confrontations over this and I’m not exactly in a position to effectively defend myself physically, so often hesitate saying something *sigh* SO damn infuriating!

  5. I appreciate your ideas for resolutions–except for the thing about the mask. I say, let he whose mask has never slipped hurl the first epithet. Otherwise, I’m right there with you.

    1. Hi Evelyn! I hear what you’re saying. A slipped mask is an honest mistake, easily corrected. But we both know that there are obstinate people out there who take pleasure in thumbing their (exposed) noses at mask regulations.

      These folks are jerkasses to the core!

      1. Well, sure, but the truth is I might qualify as a closet jerkass. I will wear a mask if asked to do so, but I have no faith whatsoever in the efficacy or fairness of such policies. I don’t wish any hard feelings, but I’ve made my own resolution to express my opinion when someone else expresses theirs. Best wishes, and I am glad you will get to meet your hundred-pound guinea pig.

      2. Yeah, I’d say it’s obvious when they slip because the person will typically keep pulling it up over their nose…those who want to be able to respond “I AM wearing a mask” because it’s on their face at all, or even under their chin, are purposely not complying *sigh*

      3. No hard feelings at all, Evelyn! (But please do consider wearing an appropriate mask whenever you’re in public. There is not a single study out there that doubts their efficacy in preventing the spread of Covid. You’re obviously a nice person, and I don’t want anything to happen to you!)

    2. One of the big problems is that not everyone really understands masks and their differences AND the variants. If you wear one layer of cloth, it’s almost totally ineffective. Two layers is much improved, but not a tight barrier…but if everyone were wearing one, they would be VERY effective. That is why everyone wearing a mask in schools is enabling schools (virtually all) to stay open. Protocols are proven effective. My granddaughter has attended preschool (in a grammar school) last year and this year and no one has gotten sick. My d-in-law is a grammar school teacher and it is effective there too. The only time there was an outbreak was last year in a classroom in which one teacher didn’t comply with mask wearing and her classroom had the issue.

      Surgical masks are obviously very effective. That’s why they’re used during surgery. The most effective is the N95 (only approved ones) because of the materials, number of layers, and the way it is worn. KN95s are almost as effective as N95s, typically due to the layers; KN95s tend to have 3, while N95s have 4 or 5. And it has been made clear that the Omicron variant is SO contagious, they say you need to minimally be wearing a surgical mask, best to double mask (cloth/surgical; surgical/surgical) to prevent getting infected. People are the most contagious before there are symptoms (IF symptomatic, many people aren’t), and due to children under 5 not being able to be vaxxed, it’s extremely important to protect oneself in order to protect them too.

      Though this is related to coughs, not just breathing, here’s a chart I made last year (based on scientific experimentation) which shows the effectiveness of masks. Obviously, if the person doesn’t cough, they are more effective relatively: https://pippinherohelpers.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/howfarcoughstravel-chart-pippinherohelpers-1.pdf

      I hope this info is helpful!
      (Mike, I’m posting this info twice here, in reply to separate people. I hope you don’t mind.)

  6. My resolution for 2022 is simple… don’t watch the news. As for those who don’t wear their mask properly I say, “When you’re out and about, cover your snout.” 😷

  7. I resolved to attend Alicia J’s aerobics class at some point this winter. I expect to fulfill this resolution the next time I run out of soap, because I buy my soap from her. I would start attending sooner if she had a capybara as a mascot.

  8. I resolve to never iron. it’s worked for the past 37 years, since my guy likes to press his blue jeans (yes, his blue jeans) and I sneak in a wrinkled blouse or two
    I resolve to vote for you if you run. No walking allowed though, if you run. Do it right but you can’t call “the other side” jackasses – look what that did for Hillary.
    I resolve to blog at least every other week. I think you should resolve the same.
    And lastly, I resolve to buy your next kid’s book as soon as it’s released!

    1. Yay! You’re so awesome. I’ll be happy to send you a signed copy of my book once it comes out.

      Thanks for your vote. If elected, I might need to appoint you to my cabinet. And, fear not; I would never call a potential voter a “jackass”. I may, however, call him a “jerkass,'” depending on the mask situation,

      As for your significant other, you may need to host an intervention. Ironed jeans are NEVER okay. Never ever.

  9. I think I shall resolve to use the word “jerkass” in place of some of the other words that have been coming out of my mouth lately…words I didn’t even know I knew. It’s shameful. “Jerkass” sounds much more “little old lady like” as I approach senior citizen status. I promise to credit A Writer Fellow’s Grandma.

  10. I resolved long ago to not make resolutions. They just end up in disappointment and regret. For me and everyone else. But hey, I’ve managed to keep that resolution.
    My equivalent of your Grandmother’s phrase is “dumbass.” There are just times when that is the perfect way to respond.
    As for masks, many believe they don’t work, and it seems to me if they were working, we wouldn’t have the spread that we do. If you do believe they work, they should keep you safe from the jerkasses.
    Alas Mikey, I’m in favor of secession too, but I’m afraid we would end up in different halves. I’ll toss a snack over once in a while, but do not toss your ironing pile here. lol Ellen needs a wash and wear wardrobe.

    1. That’s not to say I never try to better myself. Right now I’m on a mission to get my weight down low enough to lower my A1C. I do not call it a diet, because diets create too much mental pressure for me. I’ve also established a morning routine of reading my Bible and praying. That has been a huge accomplishment for someone who doesn’t really follow a schedule. Oh, and my dumbasses are usually muttered in traffic.

    2. One of the big problems is that not everyone really understands masks and their differences AND the variants. If you wear one layer of cloth, it’s almost totally ineffective. Two layers is much improved, but not a tight barrier…but if everyone were wearing one, they would be VERY effective. That is why everyone wearing a mask in schools is enabling schools (virtually all) to stay open. Protocols are proven effective. My granddaughter has attended preschool (in a grammar school) last year and this year and no one has gotten sick. My d-in-law is a grammar school teacher and it is effective there too. The only time there was an outbreak was last year in a classroom in which one teacher didn’t comply with mask wearing and her classroom had the issue.

      Surgical masks are obviously very effective. That’s why they’re used during surgery. The most effective is the N95 (only approved ones) because of the materials, number of layers, and the way it is worn. KN95s are almost as effective as N95s, typically due to the layers; KN95s tend to have 3, while N95s have 4 or 5. And it has been made clear that the Omicron variant is SO contagious, they say you need to minimally be wearing a surgical mask, best to double mask (cloth/surgical; surgical/surgical) to prevent getting infected. People are the most contagious before there are symptoms (IF symptomatic, many people aren’t), and due to children under 5 not being able to be vaxxed, it’s extremely important to protect oneself in order to protect them too.

      Though this is related to coughs, not just breathing, here’s a chart I made last year (based on scientific experimentation) which shows the effectiveness of masks. Obviously, if the person doesn’t cough, they are more effective relatively: https://pippinherohelpers.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/howfarcoughstravel-chart-pippinherohelpers-1.pdf

      I hope this info is helpful!
      (Mike, I’m posting this info twice here, in reply to separate people. I hope you don’t mind.)

    3. You know I think the world of you JAS, but good masks do work if worn correctly and regularly in public places. And masks especially work if the wearer is the one with Covid. The rapid spreading of Covid is not because of masks, but because so many people refuse to wear masks, refuse to wear them correctly, refuse to wear them consistently in public, or refuse to wear the kind of mask that can keep the virus out.

      So please stay safe, JAS. I reeeeally don’t want you to get sick.

      On another note, once my presidential secession plans are implemented, I confidently believe that our two countries would get along quite well. As they say, separation makes the heart grow fonder. (Especially when we’re no longer peeing in each other’s pools, so to speak.)

      1. Ha ha ha Mike!
        I am fully vaccinated with a booster.
        I did get really sick after Christmas and think it could have been Covid and I have been wearing a mask regularly. 😷
        I’m sure we would get along since e are both very reasonable people.
        Have a good one, Mike!

  11. So, generally, when reading a funny post, I make mental note of what all I want to comment on as being particularly funny, but after this post, of course, that’s impossible. Everything. Just, everything. I LOLed at the opening pic (and took a pic of the pic so I could show my hubs later) and it kept rolling from there.
    Also, you have a capybara book coming out in the fall?! I can’t wait! You and I have shared our mutual love for Bill Peet and the capybara. I feel so honored to *know the next Bill Peet! And I absolutely want to befriend a capybara too. (I just don’t want to clean up the yard after it.)

    1. I’m so glad I got’cha LOLing!

      And I am very giddy about my next book. (Title: Sleepy Happy Capy Cuddles.) Personally, I would love to have one of those ginormous critters grazing in my yard full time (despite your fears, herbivore poops aren’t messy at all), but capybaras are tropical animals; they do not deserve the biting winters that New Jersey delivers annually. So I’ll just have to settle for a cuddle.

      1. Maybe the poops aren’t messy, but they’re probably not small. Hmm… is So Cal tropical enough, I wonder. I shall investigate. We’ll trade our lawn mower in for a capybara.

        And are you KIDDING ME?!?!?! “Sleepy Happy Capy Cuddles”??!! It’s like you’ve inserted crack into a book!

      2. I’d say a Southern California Capy would be a lot more happy with the weather than a New Jersey one. Just remember, they’re semi-aquatic so you’re going to need, at the very least, a good sized pool in your yard.

        Sleepy Happy Capy Cuddles is the honest-to-God title! 🙂 I’ll reveal more about the book as the release date draws near…

      3. Animal rights activists would have a field day about feeding coffee to a capybara. Have the book be about Capy being my happy barista. An intrepid capybara leaves the rainforest to strike out on her own and fulfill her dream of creating coffee for an entitled white woman. ;P

        Great job with your book title. I’m so glad they kept it.

  12. Resolve

    cjmissionaryministry@gmail.com

    On Thu, Jan 20, 2022, 8:04 AM Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! wrote:

    > heylookawriterfellow posted: ” Resolve and I. When the pandemic first > reared its ugly head, I made an executive decision: for 2021, I would not > make New Year’s resolutions. As I saw it, coping with Covid required more > than enough resolve, thank you very much. I didn’t need the adde” >

  13. Awesome team work and way to get an adventure on the books so quickly!! I make resolutions in December (Husband’s birthday & 6 months check-in from my bday)…and write winter/holiday cards in January and February…when I have energy to write and it perks people up with a surprise. My resolution changing perspective from project driven to…doing less, “being” & enjoying more. Good luck with Pool Noodle! Sounds like Oodles of Zoodling good ideas!

  14. I resolve to first learn how to use this program and subsequently be able to return to find your posts which will set myself up for my next resolution which is to read more of you. First thing I have read on here and I feel I will fit in nicely. (Is there a workshop for this app?)

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