As regular readers of this blog know, I am not a fan of cats.
I am horribly allergic.
I am also a protector of the cute, fuzzy, little animals that cats enjoy killing. Like this angel:
So cats are not welcome anywhere near the Allegra house.
Many of you devoted cat owners out there have chosen to look past my anti-feline stance. You are wonderful, forgiving people who accept me for who I am. I thank you.
But one of you, using a form of extortion that would make Tony Soprano flinch, forced me draw a picture of one.
Just kidding. Jilanne Hoffmann is actually a wonderful person. A few months ago, she and I made a deal. Jilanne would use her son to promote my organization, Humans Against Celebrity Kid Stories (H.A.C.K.S.), and I, in turn, would draw a commemorative postage stamp on the subject of his choice.
I used to draw these stamps all the time for my own son. Here’s a small sampling from Alex’s collection:
I also made Alex a couple of gross ones.
Jilanne held up her end of the bargain, so I owed her son a stamp. Since her boy is nine, I assumed I would be drawing a sequel to Snot or Toots. So you can imagine my surprise when he asked for “Celebrate Cats.”
I tried to convince him otherwise. I truly did. Rats are cuter, I told him. Much cuter. But he was unpersuaded.
So here’s your cat, kid. You’ll get the original drawing in the mail in a few days. And don’t ask me for anything else until you learn how to properly appreciate rodents. I have a Celebrate Guinea Pigs stamp in me just aching to get out.
What’s that? You wanna be cool like Jilanne and join the H.A.C.K.S. team? Click HERE to learn about the organization and click HERE to become a member!
Despite Hurricane Sandy and, I assume, Madonna’s henchmen, the Boycott Celebrity Children’s Books Acronym Contest could not be stopped! Hooray for us! Hooray for society!
As I mentioned in past posts (this one and this one), I began a crusade to boycott awful picture books by celebrities. I have been delighted by your support. Apparently many of you, too, believe that Madonna And Company have done little more than kill trees and atrophy young minds.
What this cause needed, however, was a catchy acronym because, well, BCCBA sounds like an SAT cheat sheet. I needed your help and you fine folks came through. Below is just a sampling of acronyms designed to turn this little pet project into a national movement:
SCRIBE: Stopping Celebrities Regarding the Inking of Bad Editions
BABBLE: Buying Actors’ Books Begets Less Education
WRITERS: Wielding Righteous Indignation about Talentless Egos—Really, Stop
AUTHORS: Authentic Undermined Talented Hopefuls Over Rapacious Stars
CHUPACABARAS: Conceited Hogs Using Professional Avaricious Clout And Brash Artistic Rights Are Swine
ACT WISE: Avoid Celebrity Trash Writers; Inspire and Support Excellence
ACT NOWW: Avoid Celebrity Trash Nurture Only Writers Writing
And this is just some of them. Man, do I love you guys.
But how to choose? For a decision this important, I wanted to bring in four qualified judges:
Steve Patchett is the Director of Communications at Morristown-Beard School, responsible for all of the school’s marketing and public relations. Years ago I held this exact same job. After the school administrators came to their senses and fired me, they hired Steve. This was a wise move. The guy is very, very good at his job. He is also a pal.
Jacqueline Haun is a librarian and archivist at The Lawrenceville School and a supurb writer. I should know; she is a regular contributor to The Lawrentian, the magazine I edit. She was an editorial assistant and arts reviewer for a daily newspaper. She also has an unhealthy obsession with the show True Blood.
Lisa Gillard is the Director of Public Relations at The Lawrenceville School. When the fit hits the shan, she knows how to make all the badness go away. She can also get “rah rah” stories in The New York Times if you ask her nicely.
Ellen is my wife. A former high school English teacher, she now runs a very successful SAT business. She also ruthlessly critiques my stories. She is my sweetie.
None of these judges were allowed to see who authored what. None of them were influenced by me in any way.
The results are in. Here is the moment of truth.
In a split decision, with two out of four votes, the winner is…
And – oh, you gotta be kidding me – that means Madame Weebles has won both of the contests I’ve held on this blog. So Weebles is the HACKS co-president and wins a signed copy of my book, Sarah Gives Thanks!
But here’s the thing: Since Weebles already HAS a signed copy of my book, she has decided to give the book away to another acronym author of her choosing. How cool is that?
Her choice? AUTHORS.
So Khaula Mazhar wins the book! You know how to reach me, Khaula; send me your mailing address and I’ll send you a book.
And for those of you keeping score, Lauri Meyer’s FAWT and harulawordsthatserve’s ACT WISE each received a single vote. Because of this, I would like to offer both Lauri and Harula the Executive Vice Presidency of the newly-named HACKS.
All of you who entered the contest (especially Vanessa, who inspired this contest and whose CRAP acronym still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl), may now have roles on the HACKS Executive Committee. Please indicate your willingness to be on the committee in the comments below.
And, hey, ANYONE can join the club! Wanna join? Write me a comment and tell me! Only together can we make a difference!