Despite Hurricane Sandy and, I assume, Madonna’s henchmen, the Boycott Celebrity Children’s Books Acronym Contest could not be stopped! Hooray for us! Hooray for society!
As I mentioned in past posts (this one and this one), I began a crusade to boycott awful picture books by celebrities. I have been delighted by your support. Apparently many of you, too, believe that Madonna And Company have done little more than kill trees and atrophy young minds.
What this cause needed, however, was a catchy acronym because, well, BCCBA sounds like an SAT cheat sheet. I needed your help and you fine folks came through. Below is just a sampling of acronyms designed to turn this little pet project into a national movement:
SCRIBE: Stopping Celebrities Regarding the Inking of Bad Editions
BABBLE: Buying Actors’ Books Begets Less Education
WRITERS: Wielding Righteous Indignation about Talentless Egos—Really, Stop
AUTHORS: Authentic Undermined Talented Hopefuls Over Rapacious Stars
CHUPACABARAS: Conceited Hogs Using Professional Avaricious Clout And Brash Artistic Rights Are Swine
ACT WISE: Avoid Celebrity Trash Writers; Inspire and Support Excellence
ACT NOWW: Avoid Celebrity Trash Nurture Only Writers Writing
HACKS: Humans Against Celebrity Kid Stories
FAWT: Famous And Writing Terribly
ESCHEW: Embargoing Self-promoting Celebrities Helps Excellent Writers
CRAP: Celeb Riters Are Poopy
DR“A”FT: Don’t Read “Art” From Tools
And this is just some of them. Man, do I love you guys.
But how to choose? For a decision this important, I wanted to bring in four qualified judges:
Steve Patchett is the Director of Communications at Morristown-Beard School, responsible for all of the school’s marketing and public relations. Years ago I held this exact same job. After the school administrators came to their senses and fired me, they hired Steve. This was a wise move. The guy is very, very good at his job. He is also a pal.
Jacqueline Haun is a librarian and archivist at The Lawrenceville School and a supurb writer. I should know; she is a regular contributor to The Lawrentian, the magazine I edit. She was an editorial assistant and arts reviewer for a daily newspaper. She also has an unhealthy obsession with the show True Blood.
Lisa Gillard is the Director of Public Relations at The Lawrenceville School. When the fit hits the shan, she knows how to make all the badness go away. She can also get “rah rah” stories in The New York Times if you ask her nicely.
Ellen is my wife. A former high school English teacher, she now runs a very successful SAT business. She also ruthlessly critiques my stories. She is my sweetie.
None of these judges were allowed to see who authored what. None of them were influenced by me in any way.
The results are in. Here is the moment of truth.
In a split decision, with two out of four votes, the winner is…
HACKS
And – oh, you gotta be kidding me – that means Madame Weebles has won both of the contests I’ve held on this blog. So Weebles is the HACKS co-president and wins a signed copy of my book, Sarah Gives Thanks!
But here’s the thing: Since Weebles already HAS a signed copy of my book, she has decided to give the book away to another acronym author of her choosing. How cool is that?
Her choice? AUTHORS.
So Khaula Mazhar wins the book! You know how to reach me, Khaula; send me your mailing address and I’ll send you a book.
And for those of you keeping score, Lauri Meyer’s FAWT and harulawordsthatserve’s ACT WISE each received a single vote. Because of this, I would like to offer both Lauri and Harula the Executive Vice Presidency of the newly-named HACKS.
All of you who entered the contest (especially Vanessa, who inspired this contest and whose CRAP acronym still makes me giggle like a schoolgirl), may now have roles on the HACKS Executive Committee. Please indicate your willingness to be on the committee in the comments below.
And, hey, ANYONE can join the club! Wanna join? Write me a comment and tell me! Only together can we make a difference!
ONWARD!
Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! 
I would love to serve on the committee in any capacity . . . I’ve been preparing to be a HACK for most of my writing life!
I am honored to have a librarian on the Executive Committee. You will give the organization some much needed gravitas.
BWAHhahahahhhahhahahacoughhahacoughugh.
Yeah. I can do that.
Can I be the Chief Operating Officer? I love being called a “coo.”
As we are working with no money, I can’t see much need for a COO.
That said, I shall call you “Coo” whenever you wish.
WOOOOOOOOOOT! Yay me! Although I gotta say I really do also like SCRIBE, ESCHEW, BABBLE, and CHUPACABRAS. Although I think Khaula’s acronym was AUTHORS, yes?
In any case, let the celebrity author blasting begin!
Whoops! Fixed. AUTHOR it is.
And congrats to you, Weebles! I am delighted and honored to have you play such a significant role in this organization.
Well congratulations to the winners! And thank you for the shout-out as the inspiration to the contest 🙂
Yes, I would definitely like to be on the Executive Committee. Can I be ‘Head of Media Research and Entertainment’? My duties will involve reading celebrity gossip magazines and websites, and then advising the rest of the Exec Committee about any new celeb children’s books coming out, and relevant information about what those said celebs are up to. It’s quite a responsibility, but I think I can handle it. My other duties will involve organising celeb-style glitzy parties for us all, to enable us to live their lifestyle so that we can really get into their mindset, and thus learn best how to tackle the issues they present us with.
Yes, yes, and yes!
Oh, this organization is coming together quite nicely, isn’t it?
Hilarious! I am glad I was not a judge! I love them all and would have found it impossible to choose!
Does this mean you would like to join HACKS?
I love clubs! Me, me! I wanna join! I also want to attend one of Vanessa’s celeb-style, glitzy parties. I already have some cool boots and a rockin’ dress I want to wear. Send me a save-the-date invite.
You’re in. Now it’s a party.
Can’t believe I missed out on this! Is it too late to volunteer my son’s services in the name of fine literature? He can turn celeb books into confetti by shooting them out of a canon. In return, he’d love a copy of the FAWT stamp.
P.S. I read your book at library time for the 2nd and 3rd graders last week. The kid-initiated conversation that followed ended up NOT being about TG, but about women and access to education. Very interesting. Thank you again for your thoughtful contribution to literature! No one will ever associate your work with the acronyms CRAP (my favorite) or HACKS (my second favorite).
I would love for your son to contribute to the cause. The FAWT stamp, however, is not mine to give. It is one of the stamps I made for my son several years ago (see previous post). The Celebrate Dancing one is, too.
But I will draw him his own stamp if you first provide photographic evidence of his hatred for bad celebrity writing. Is it a deal?
And you have no idea how delighted I am to hear that “Sarah” prompted such important conversations in your second and third graders. I always thought of this book as something more than a Thanksgiving story. Apparently the kids agree. 🙂
Ah, so you’re not into mass stamp production mode, yet. I think you’re missing an additional source of income. :o) I will soon present evidence of my son’s hatred for bad celebrity writing. Stay tuned….
Fantastic! You send me a photo, and I’ll send your son his very own sketch!
HACKS! Yay!
I concur. 🙂
HACK is awesome. What a great contest. A shame we can’t salute the winner at the oscars or something. Get the HACKs attention.
If anyone can secure a spot at the Oscars, it’s probably Weebles.
I think there should be a re-vote in light of the toot stamp coming forward as new evidence supporting FAWT. However, it is fun to say “What the HAWK?” and I will do so now when I see celebrity books.
You may also tell people to Stifle FAWTs, if you are so inclined. We aren’t a dictatorship here.
I’m so proud!!! I got a vote:-) Wooohhooo! And HACKS is a V worthy winner. I’m looking forward to taking up my position on this very important committee…are you gonna design us a business card? I want to flash that ‘Executive Vice Presidency’ title around a bit, coz, you know, I’ve never been one of them before…and I don’t expect to be one again:-)
I am delighted to hear that you will accept this important executive position!
I do plan to to create logo soon — but it’ll have to wait until after Thanksgiving. I gotta book to sell!
Congrats, HACKS is great, I also really liked CRAP, there is just something about the word poopy 🙂 I also liked FAWT and the fact is they were all good, glad I didn’t have to choose…..and oh yeah the book! I got the book I got the book! Wooohoo 😀
oh and Madonna just did another thing, she had Malala’s name tatooed on her lower back, which will further increase Malala’s popularity with the Taliban. She is such a considerate woman.
Classy lady, Madonna.
Now all I need you to do is go up to that “Write Me a Note” menu item and send me your mailing address. I’ll send you a book posthaste!
Congrats!
Love HACKS and its creator. I’ve always been fond of that word CHUPACABRAS. Hats off to the smarty who made it into an acronym! xoxoM
That smarty is our pal, Sandee!
BTW: I wanna take you and Sandee out to lunch or dinner after Thanksgiving. You in?
Hahahaha! I might have known it was wonderful Sandee who walks on the dark side! Sure, I’m in! Be nice to spend some face time together! xoxoM
Cool beans! We’ll figure something out for early December. Stay tuned!
Nice blog!
Thank you kindly, Ms. Hood!
Yeah HACKS! I am pretty glad FAWT didn’t win…I was worrying google would start auto-completing my name with the acronym as in “Lauri Meyers FAWTs.”
I love the TOOTS logo – now to figure out what that could be an acronym for…
FAWT had the inside track for quite awhile so I’m kinda surprised it didn’t win. But, yeah, your acronym submission does lack a certain — shall we say — “gravitas?”
Should I assume that you are accepting your new role as the HACKS Executive Vice President?
There were some fantastic acronyms but I think ‘AUTHORS’ is probably the best, since if we want to get people on-board it’s better to say ‘Support AUTHORS’ than ‘Support HACKS’. Congrats to the winners and if you need publicity, let me know! 🙂
HACKS will need to be seen as an ironic acronym, that is true.
And, hey, I’m just glad I didn’t have to decide!
Well congrats to Madame Weebles for her win with HACK, and also for leading me to your site. Congrats to you on your new book, I look forward to getting it for my kids. I also look forward to never getting a book by a celebrity (except maybe J.L.C.) BTW will we be card carrying HACKS or is this a secret society?
Oh, Jean, I can see that we are going to get along just swimmingly!
And, YES, there will be HACKS cards. Gimmie some time, but cards will debut soon!
You can count on my support no matter what you call the organization. 😀
Excellent!
Too bad I can’t count on your comments. ZING! 🙂