The Stamp Act

Celebrate stamps

And the Celebrate Stamp Saga continues.

Are you not familiar with the Celebrate Stamp Saga? Well, it all began when I was forced to draw a “Celebrate Cats” stamp.

The recipient of that cat stamp was the nine-year-old son of blogger extraordinaire Jilanne Hoffmann. The young man enjoyed my doodling efforts, I’m pleased to say, and, as a thank you, he sent me a hilarious, hand-drawn comic book and a “Celebrate Falling” stamp.

I was impressed and grateful. So I sent him a thank you note with another stamp drawing, “Celebrate Comics.”

In response, he has drawn a few more stamps that Jilanne recently posted on her blog.

You get the picture, I think; I have just gotten myself entangled in a Celebrate Stamp Cold War. I suspect that I am outgunned.

But it aint over yet!  Watch your back, Hoffmanns. A Celebrate Stamp drone attack will be coming your way when you least expect it!


On an entirely different note, April is National Poetry Month!

Though I am not terribly well-versed (Ha!), I do sometimes give the rhyming thing a go. For example, thanks to Vanessa Chapman and her inexplicable love of seagulls, I was forced to write an ode to head lice.

I also bang out a couple of couplets in the comment sections of other blogs. At Catherine Johnson’s place, for example I penned this little gem:

Master Sculptor, bearing chisel,
Stopped his work to take a whizzle.
And so the marble had to wait,
For Sculptor to evacuate.

Wait! Where are you going? There’s more!

This next poem is out of season, but, hey, why not? In December, Sarah Wesson hosted a contest, asking her readers to write a poem. After a little cajoling on Sarah’s part, I wrote the following to the tune of Jingle Bells. Please feel free to sing it out loud at work:

Writing Christmas cards,
To those who do not care,
Like stupid Uncle Ted,
Does his still live there?
Oh, wait, I think he died,
Killed by a crazy tramp,
Gee, that really made my day,
I saved myself a stamp!

See how I brought the post back around to the topic of stamps? Pretty good, eh? This is why they pay me the big bucks!

But, seriously, Hoffmanns, you guys are going down.

Head Lice are Nice!

I'm Corky the cootie. Pleased to meet'cha!
I’m Corky the cootie. Pleased to eat’cha!

This blog post exists for two reasons.

1. I do not like seagulls.
2. I have a big mouth.

Back in July, the charming Vanessa Chapman wrote a blog post titled “The Thoughtful Seagull,” a persuasive argument imploring her readers to love (or at least respect) Aerial Beach Vermin.

Here’s a brief excerpt:

“They are highly intelligent creatures, and learn behaviours to adapt to their environment. In groups they will stamp their feet on the ground to sound like rainfall, which tricks earthworms into coming to the surface.”

I was awed by her scholarship but unpersuaded, so in the comments section, I wrote this:

“You make an excellent and impressive case on behalf of the seagull. But if I ever found a bunch of them stamping on the ground, you would see me kicking at the flock in a wild fury, screaming, ‘Stay down worms! It’s a trick!’ To sum up, I prefer worms to seagulls. Oh, and I prefer most things to worms. So there we are.”

Harsh, I know, but I was soon remorseful. A couple of days later, I made Vanessa a solemn promise:

“Tell you what I’ll do: The next time you blog about the virtues of an animal — any animal at all — I will be pro-that-animal. I will sing its praises! I will condemn those who disagree! I will be that thing’s biggest fan! Try me!”

Vanessa waited seven months to follow up. Then she wrote an impressive ode to head lice.

So I love head lice now. In fact, I love head lice so much, I wrote a poem about them! Enjoy!

For the Love of Louse

On my scalp what do I find?
A little guest! No, I don’t mind!

Please live and breed upon my hair.
I am so glad that you are there.

Please eat your fill. Please bite away.
In case you care, my blood’s Type A.

I pray this time will never end,
My skeevy, parasitic friend.

So, Vanessa, are we good now?