Goldilockup

The lovely and talented Susanna Leonard Hill is hosting another writing contest and, well, I always like a good contest.

The theme of this one is a Fractured Fairy Tale in 400 words or less.

Enjoy!

Crime doesn't pay.

Crime doesn’t pay.

GOLDIELOCKUP

“Someone has been sleeping in my bed!” exclaimed Papa Bear.

“Someone has been sleeping in my bed!” exclaimed Mama Bear.

“Someone has been sleeping in my bed!” exclaimed Baby Bear. “And there she is!”

At that, Goldilocks awoke with a shriek, jumped out the window, and ran away as fast as she could.

But it wasn’t fast enough. Before she could disappear into the forest, a large hand clamped down on her shoulder and slapped on the cuffs.

The man was in uniform. He scowled at Goldilocks and spoke into his crackling walkie talkie. “I got her,” he growled. “I’ll be downtown in ten.”

Then he turned to Golidlocks. “You’re coming with me, blondie.”

“What? Why?”

“Breaking and entering, grand theft porridge, vandalism, squatting… You’re a regular crime wave, kid.”

And into the squad car she went.

“You punks are all alike,” the officer said once they arrived at the station. “You always think you’re the hero.”

He pointed to a boy getting his mug shot. “See that kid? He thinks he’s a hero, too. But he’s been charged with murder, burglary, and chopping down a giant beanstalk without a forestry permit. He ain’t no hero, girlie, and neither are you.”

Goldilocks was shoved into a holding cell. She was terrified by the lowlifes who surrounded her. There was a woodsman who practiced stomach surgery without a license. Pigs who attempted to boil their dinners alive. Prince charmings found carrying unregistered swords and daggers. Billy goats accused of assault and battery.

It was a motley crew.

“What’s going to happen now?” Goldilocks asked the officer.

“Well, first we gotta catch up with Cinderella and Snow White,” he replied.

“What are they wanted for?” she asked.

“Oh,” the man replied, “we’ll come up with something.”

At that moment, another officer shouted in triumph. “We got ‘em!”

A joyous “Whoop!” went up throughout the precinct as Snow White and Cinderella were booked, photographed, fingerprinted, and tossed in the cell with the others.

“A good day’s work, gentlemen!” said the police captain emerging from his office. He wasn’t exactly a police captain, though.

He was a Big Bad Wolf.

The officers then pulled off their masks.

Giants!

Ogres!

Stepmothers!

Goldilocks and the other prisoners shuddered at the sight.

It was official: Fairy Tale Forest was under new management.

102 thoughts on “Goldilockup

  1. Fantastic story, Mike!

    You know, I’m not sure new management would be such a bad thing. On one hand, Cinderella and Snow White are probably innocent . . . but honestly, Goldilocks and Jack are thieves and scoundrels, and even royalty shouldn’t be allowed to go around feeling other people’s feet, no matter what flimsy pretext they use.

    And I’d personally like to see that princess who lost that golden ball down the well be put away for animal cruelty.

    • I have always always always been annoyed by Goldilocks and, especially, Jack. What rotten and entitled children they are.

      And, wait, are you saying Prince Charming has a foot fetish? Oh, my! That puts a whole new spin on that story, doesn’t it?

      Enter the contest with that story, Sarah! Do it! Go!

  2. For crimes to pin on Snow White, she did break and enter into the Dwarves house. As for Cinderella, she break into the royal palace without permission.
    What if the Prince wanted Cinderella arrested for running away from a royal ball?

    • If memory serves, everyone was invited to the ball. It was the wicked stepmother and stepsisters who forbade it.

      As for the running away part, Cinderella couldn’t be arrested for that, as Prince Charming does not control these rogue cops. Remember: he is already in the pokey by the time Cindy gets there.

  3. I didn’t expect the twist! 😀 AWESOME!!!!!!! I can always count on you to make me laugh. I think. You can also make me groan with some of your “jokes”. SO, how’s the cookie-baking going? 😉

  4. You’ve got a kiddo installed in the household and have yet to see Hoodwinked?!? How’d that happen *puzzled amazement*

    Oh yeah–definitely go with the middle grade novel with this one AND include the illustrations.

    As for the contest *spweish* why enter when this is the winner 👌

    • Hoodwinked looked a little low rent to me when it came out, so I didn’t bother with it. But, hey, I respect your opinion and will give it a go.

      And, Cricket, you are too kind! (But I’ve been puzzling over what “spweish” is supposed to mean. Is it the equivalent of “pshaw”?)

      • Spweish–[spw•eech] auditory exclamatory; a sound produced with the lips indicating surprise, disbelief, or in extreme cases, derision.

        As for Hoodwinked–some folk snooted at the animation, but they missed the homage to the old Rankin cartoon style. The writing is 5star wit. I’ve showed this in the classroom ad a means of demonstrating allusion. I think I caught over 40. Yes, taxpayer dollars go towards educating our students via cartoons. I’ve been known to show Bugs Bunny and Popeye to liven up the lesson .

  5. I am intimidated and will NOT be entering this contest! On the brighter side, you had me from “I’m entering a Fractured Fairytale contest.” What, I wondered, is a fractured fairy tale? Does it mean demented, or broken like a beautiful glass window? You answered the question brilliantly – it means put together a writer and doodler with an immense sense of humor and talent, and voilà, a fractured fairy tale. You win, tales down.

  6. Pingback: Jack and the Giant – Testimony | Eva Writes

  7. I love how you included all the other fairy tales into this one and yet modernized it up with the cop speak. Great plot twist at the end..that cunning wolf…will we be hearing from him again?

  8. And then what happened? I think the baby bear realizes that these guys aren’t good and goldilocks just made a mistake. So he stages a break out! And there should be weaponized porridge. Love your twists!

  9. Hey Mike! What an awesome story…there are so many entries, I only read a couple to my husband…the best and the funniest…and you know I read him yours, right? 🙂
    “You always think you’re the hero” and “Get in the car, blondie”…I’ll remember those lines for a long time…you definitely have a way with words!

  10. Great twist writerfellow! I love how you start at the end of the actual tale. And who knows, maybe those villains aren’t as villainous as they’ve been portrayed:-)

  11. Love it Mike – and I love the doodle of Goldie in her cell:-) Any more doodles from this story you’d care to share? Looking forward to chapter two, and I second all the numerous commenters above who’ve said their favourite line is ‘grand theft porridge’ – that could be a very serious crime here in Scotland, the country is teaming with oats! Congrats and let us know when you win…Hugs, H xxxx

  12. Pingback: Goldielockup Love | heylookawriterfellow

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