Resolved: I Will Come Up With Resolutions

A solemn vow

A solemn vow

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions. I’m not even one for staying up until midnight on New Year’s Eve (I was singing “Auld Lang Syne” to my pillow at 10:30, thank you very much). But something tells me that 2015 is going to be my year.

My problem is that something tells me this every year – and that something is rarely right. So I figured I’d throw in a little New Year’s resolution self-improvement to karmically sweeten the deal.

Let’s begin:

***

My first resolution is for my beloved wife.

Resolved: I shall neither form opinions nor comment on the opinions of others until I have finished at least one big mug of morning coffee.

It’s for the best.

***

Golf-wise, 2014 was a very good year for me. I don’t play golf, I fill my pockets with lost and/or abandoned golf balls from a nearby course. I now have 376 golf balls filling my office desk drawer. Also filled? My head – with questions like: “What on earth was I thinking?” and “What am I going to do with all of these stupid things?”

This is what 376 golf ball look like. If you want to see what a doofus looks like, check out the photo at the top of this blog.

This is what 376 golf balls look like. If you want to see what a doofus looks like, check out the photo at the top of this blog.

Resolved: I will get rid of my golf ball collection in a manner that is – at the very least – mildly amusing.

Suggestions are welcome.

***

Since I started this blog three years ago I have broken bread with five blog pals and met at least a dozen more. I am delighted to report that every single one of them was funny, charming and interesting. I am still a bit gobsmacked by this. Seriously, what are the odds? Maybe I’m tempting fate, but I want to meet more!

Resolved: I will meet more blog buddies in person.

In other words, if you reside in or visit New Jersey, New York City, or Eastern Pennsylvania, feel free to hit me up for coffee.

***

When I was in college, I earned a reputation as a skilled Laundry Fellow. One time when I was in the Laundromat folding a load of colors, a female classmate I had a nodding relationship with – let’s call her Liz – entered with her meathead boyfriend. She was there to do Mr. Meathead’s laundry for him. (Don’t even get me started.)

I nodded to Liz, as I usually did, and resumed my folding. After a few minutes, I realized that the laundromat was unusually silent. I looked up from my work to find both Liz and her meathead staring at me as if I was some kind of circus animal.

“I bet you iron, too,” Liz said with a contemptuous smile.

“Well, if you fold the clothes when they’re still warm,” I replied, “in many cases you don’t have to iron.”

It was at that moment I could see Mr. Meathead’s brain drawing conclusions about my sexual identity.

Since those days, my laundry muscles have atrophied. I still do loads without having to be asked, but washing my wife’s clothes have made things more complicated and intimidating. (Delicate cycles? Wha?) At times I feel like a babe in the laundry woods.

Resolved: I will become a Laundry Master.

***

Here’s the obligatory writing one:

Resolved: I shall write early and often.

I already sort of do this. But I plan to write earlier and often-er. And with more gusto. I also want to get my word counts up.

Rebekah, one of my blog pals, banged out 14,000 words in one day for NaNoWiMo. Let me say right here and now that I have no plans to challenge this record.

***

And the big finish:

Resolved: I will do something bold, yet well-planned.

I can’t do bold without my boldness being well-planned. And yes, I already have something planned. ‘Cause that’s the way I roll; I plan my planning!

So! What are some of your resolutions?

 

 

92 thoughts on “Resolved: I Will Come Up With Resolutions

  1. I can’t wait to see what your bold thing is. I was also hoping for a resolution to get on twitter, ’cause I feel like your humor would translate so well there. And I would follow you, so I could laugh.

  2. I haven’t made any resolutions because a) I’m not good at making them, and b) I’m beyond horrible at keeping them. Now with regard to the golf balls, I wonder if there’s a pro bono org in desperate need of them, e.g., some org that recycles, etc. If only they had been tennis balls, my dog would have volunteered to take them. Happy New Year!

  3. I like your resolutions 😉
    I don’t really have made any myself, but there are some hopes and dreams for the future I could work on this year. But since I’ve been trying to work on them for quite a few years now, I’m not sure if this will be THE year…

      • Heheheh…Never touched a drop.
        We had an accident in the family around 7:30 pm New Year’s Eve and we spent New Year’s Day in a trauma unit. I guess the worry wiped away my resolutions. Did lots of praying, though. The good news is my family member moved to ICU within a couple of days and out of ICU yesterday. No brain damage, no paralysis, just a lot of painful rehabilitation ahead of him.
        Now I could use a drink. 😉

      • Dang, Michelle, I didn’t expect you to have a story like that! I thought you were telling a drinking joke!

        Here’s hoping your loved one makes a quick and complete recovery. And, yes, by all means, take a swig or two!

        Take care and be well, my friend.

    • What a lovely resolution to have!

      As to your question, the key is to look at a fellow’s appearance. Are his clothes tidy? If so he is either a Laundry Master, married, or lives with his mom. Good luck figuring out who’s who!

      • Not sure I agree with the tidy guy approach. My husband does all of the laundry and most of the time he’s covered in sweat, grease or paint. He does clean up well, though and does a superb job at laundry. 😀

  4. Wow! Find a place that buys used golf balls and at 5-10cents apiece you can fund a few of those coffee meet-ups. Laugh silently or toast to all those who lost the balls if you need mild amusement.

  5. Can’t wait to hear what bold thing you are planning to do. My husband has always done laundry. Wouldn’t marry a guy who didn’t. I do know that I enjoy visiting your blog because I always leave with a smile. Wish I could meet you, but I live in Ohio.

  6. I’m thinking a space elevator. Send the golf balls to Mars. Similar to the feeling I have that you AND I are going to have a GREAT year, I have this vague sense that Martians might think golf balls are tasty morsels.

    As far as the laundry people are concerned, that woman and her BF are probably doing time somewhere right now, folding prison laundry to government specs. However, I do feel a tiny bit sorry for that clueless woman.

    As a Californian, I feel discriminated against. Maybe you could get your behind out here for an SCBWI conference on the West Coast?

    As a fellow writer, I am drawn to your writing resolution, but as far as your “doing” resolution is concerned, I can only subscribe to BOLDNESS. Planning was never my forte.

    Your first resolution? That one’s a keeper. 😀

    • You feel discriminated against? How do you think I feel? Not only are some of my very best blogging pals out in California, but I’m stuck here in New Jersey!

      You might have something with the Mars idea. Astronauts drove golfballs on the moon, why not The Red Planet, as long as they don’t whack the rover, all should be fine.

  7. Talk about a cliffhanger, Mike! I’m thinking you were already pretty bold when you decorated for Xmas without your wife’s consent and that worked out well. Going by that, I’m saying your odds are pretty good that this next feat of BOLDness will turn out well, too 🙂

    I’m also wondering, once you obtain your Laundry Master license, will we be expected to bow to you, Oh, Sensei Allegra, Master of Stains and Folding? 😉

    As far as your golf ball problem, I think it would be most entertaining and effective if you were to draw faces on each one, varied expressions, and start planting them in unexpected places (or expected, like on a golf course) with notes attached to them (or written on them). Things like “Be SURE to wash your hands now that you’ve dared to actually touch this thing!” or on a golf course, put it in a sand trap with “Nice shot, Ace! Yeah, right!” hehehe

  8. The problem with resolving is that I don’t save it for a special day like New Years…I’m a chronic resolver…and planner, too!

    So as I resolve on the fly, there are some things that I’d like to accomplish this year. Some are easier and more predictable than others. But here we go…

    I would like to repay off a long term debt to a family member aka fairy godmother who has never quibbled about how long it has taken me to repay the money, accepting my pay as I can status cheerfully, if you can believe that. I’m sure I will sleep better when this one is completed.

    I would like to publish a children’s book this year.

    You and I will definitely have some face time this year…count on it!

    I’ve got about five years of research on family history scattered in various locations in my office. Before I do any more research, I have got to sort, organize, layout and compile what I already have so that someone else could pick it up and find it a useful tool.

    I also want to take more painting classes and maybe I will even work out my own painting style this year.

    As for golf balls, my relationship with golf is even less than yours except there are LOTS of golf courses in Florida. Perhaps if I took my walks on the golf course that is three streets east of my house I might find some golf balls as well and if I worked real hard, I might be able to catch up with you by the end of the year.

    • Fine resolutions all — especially the face time one. I look forward to meeting you!

      I decided to avoid the “get a book published one” on my list because it is too dependent on the actions of other people and, take it from me, that can be frustrating.

      So my list is only about personal growth this time around. (That said, I still working like hell for more contracts!)

  9. I resolve not to resolve which is a breakage of said resolve… LOL! I don’t do New Year’s resolutions because… well… they just don’t work out for me. I have never had any success with them therefore I do not set myself up for failure, right? Anyhoo… I try to set goals in general and be better at them each year and try not to wait until Jan 1 to make changes. If things need to be changed, why wait until Jan 1 to do it? Right? Just nod your head and agree…. HA HA!
    Happy New Year Michael!! :-*

  10. Wow, you’ve met a lot of bloggers! When are you coming to England then huh?

    I’m sure there’s some great art-based idea you could use the golf balls for. Ooh, ooh, I know! If you find a type of paint that adheres well to them, maybe paint one a week in a way that represents the highlight of that week, or if not paint, then permanent markers would do. That’s a great idea of mine isn’t it! Like I did my year in 365 words, you could do your year in 52 balls. Today is the 7th, so you must start quickly! Hurry!

    • Ellen and I have an ongoing back and forth about which overseas country to visit. She leans toward the Mediterranean and I fight on behalf of the marvelous accents and boiled meats of your fine country. Here’s hoping I will eventually prevail.

      That said, you could come visit me, too, you know!

      You’re not the first person to suggest painting the golf balls. Unfortunately, they are not a very good substitute for a canvas; aside from being reeeeally small, those things have hundreds of divots on them.

  11. I’m speechless, partly because I’m still smiling at your laundry/golf ball/writing-early promises, but also because resolutions make me speechless. They’re scary, and I’ve never allowed myself the challenge of making one (much less SIX).
    But this year is different. If you can resolve to become the Laundry Master and to write EARLY, I resolve to begin writing even earlier. In the past you’ve challenged my sanity of staring at my computer screen with my tea by 6:30 every day. Well, this year, I’ll be working away by 6:00 AM.
    So there.
    And if you were on Twitter, we could even greet each other with a Tweet at 6:02. Now how bold would THAT be?

    • “Early” is a relative term, Pam. One person’s “early” is another person’s “too early.”

      But you could help me out with my “meeting bloggers” resolution. I know you periodically skulk around New Jersey trying to avoid me.

      • I would LOVE to help you with that resolution. Now that I live in the Boston area, it may be easier. If you come up this way, please let me know! We could meet ‘where the shot was heard round the world.’ I know a great coffee/tea place nearby. Otherwise, my skulking NJ days occur in the summer, and I’ll keep you apprised.

  12. Great resolutions! Good luck! 😀
    For the golf balls, maybe do Ms. Donna’s idea (drawing faces on them), but hide them around the office building (if it is an actual job office, not your home office) or just around the house. 🙂

  13. How I wish I had found this blog sooner! It seems I came late to the party.
    Great writing style Mike,easy to read, relatable and funny 🙂
    376 golf balls…I guess I’d go with the idea of donating them to a charity or if you can’t drop the habit, who knows? you can make some money from the hobby http://www.thepennyhoarder.com/wont-believe-much-can-earn-collecting-lost-golf-balls/ 😉
    I decided to go with only one resolution this year – I resolve to put action to my dreams and ideas.

  14. Loving your resolutions Mike, and the laundry story is ace:-) Are you planning a trip to Scotland any time soon?! I’ve never met a SINGLE blogging pal…ooops a lie, a lie! But I met her before I found out and followed her blog, so maybe that doesn’t count. Hmmm, my resolutions? I will seek to please less, and be the truth more. Oh, and I’ll take as good care of my body as I take of the rest of me! Two will certainly do, and I made them up here and now so you are totally responsible if I fail and disappoint! Happy New Year Hugs, H xxx

  15. Love the notion of planning your planning. I do that all the time. And 14,000 words in one day for NaNoWriMo?! Wha-at? The highest I ever got was 4200 … Maybe I need to plan more.

  16. Admirable goals for 2015, Mike! I have yet to meet any blogger buddies in person, but I’d like to change that this year. There are a couple in Seattle that I’d like to hang out with finally. I imagine it’s pretty surreal, but of course, pretty awesome.

    I don’t have a resolution for 2015, but I do have a word…ENJOY. 🙂

  17. The golf balls fascinate me (and how you acquired all of them….). Every time you wake up early and write a lot, you should get rid of one golf ball in some dramatic fashion to mark the occasion 🙂

    My overall goal this year: be patient and compassionate with myself 🙂

  18. Bold… I feel like you are bold every day. Stop. Don’t tell me otherwise. I would love to meet up with you for water or Sprite. Of course, I’m snowed in in Colorado at the moment. Those golf balls are tricky. I’m sure we all collect some thing that maybe seems odd, especially after we’ve collected so many. Perhaps you could begin a blog for the balls. A line a day maybe … I love this site for forgotten bookmarks http://www.forgottenbookmarks.com … I don’t want to mention a dramatic waterfall of balls, because I sense my son (who isn’t reading yet) might sense I suggested that and try that at my house (even though we don’t have that many balls …)

    • As per your request, I shall not tell you that I am not bold.

      Many thanks for referring me to the forgotten bookmarks site! I am a new follower.

      Perhaps one of these days our paths will cross, Stacy. I sure hope so. But I can assure you that when we do, I will not be ordering water or Sprite. Meet ‘n’ greets need coffee.

  19. Those are great resolutions! I used to love breaking open golf balls with a hammer with my dad. I highly recommend it. I don’t know if the technology has changed in the last 30 years though – maybe there’s like Mars dust or something in there now.

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  21. interesting resolutions! I never made any traditional new year resolutions out of the fear of that dip feel at the end of year for not achieving them (very lousy yea I know)
    however I have a habit for making short term resolutions, and last year was one good one in this regard.
    1)drastically turned around my extreme night owl sleep patter.
    2) Meditation
    3) Healthy eating, regular walks.

    and currently focusing on temperament, I flare up rather quickly.

    • I admire you. Sleep patters are notoriously difficult to readjust. At least they are for me. My rational brain knows I should go to bed earlier, but my creative brain wants to use that time to come up with a new story. I always defer to my creative side.

  22. In attempt to keep my sanity, I have chosen a life changing resolution. I am going to focus on myself. I have begun yoga, minor mediation, next week marks a new diet and work out plan and I have begun a journal. Thus far I have learned that I am no Buddha, neither am I the flexible dancer I once was and I am already mourning the cheese and fat that will no longer reside in my kitchen. My resolutions tend to need a resolution.

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