Is it September already?
Where have I been?
Well, let’s just say 2024 has been a year of distractions. More distractions, apparently, than I’m capable of handling. Today, lemme tell you about The Big Distraction That Has Affected Everything.
For most of this year I’ve been recovering from ankle replacement surgery. Or, rather, I’ve been recovering from ankle replacement surgery and the surgery that came before the ankle replacement surgery. The first surgery was necessary because my ankle was so messed up, doctors had to fix the ankle before they could throw it away and put in a new one in. I didn’t even know this kind of pre-surgery surgery was a thing. But it is! And it sucks!
I have a reputation for being accident prone, but I didn’t need the new ankle because of a self-inflicted injury. My ankle was always messed up. I’ve had a few surgeries before this one (the first was way back 1985) so this is not my first rodeo.
That said, the 2024 procedures have been especially crummy.
Surgery number one required a recovery time of 11 weeks, during which I was on crutches. I don’t find moving around on crutches to be difficult, but if you are an introvert, like me, I don’t recommend ever leaving the house. Those aluminum sticks serve as a Stranger Conversational Beacon. And it’s awful.
“Hey, what happened to you?” strangers would ask.
I must have answered that question four jillion times.
And then there were the folks who just yelled jokes at me.
“That’ll teach ya ta upset your wife!”
“Whatever you did, don’t do it no more!”
“Ain’t tapdancin’ any time soon, eh?”
Ha-HAAA! Hilaaaaarious!
These jokes were exclusively uttered by old men. I don’t know why old men need to pipe up with these one-liners so often, but, by God, they are always ready for action.
Many years ago, when Ellen and I were on our honeymoon, she slammed her head against the low ceiling of a tour van. It was quite a wallop. It was obviously painful. There were tears in Ellen’s eyes. But none of those context clues stopped the old guy in front of us from cheerfully announcing, “Ooh, that’s gotta hurt!”
“Shut your mouth or I’ll murder you,” I replied.
So, once upon a time, I threatened an old man’s life. I also write for children. I am a man of many layers.
But I digress.
The second operation was The Big One. Judging by the resulting scars, I’m guessing that the surgeon opened me up with a fireman’s axe. The aftermath was so gross, my son, Alex, insisted—then demanded—that I not show the post-op photos on my blog.
My boy has good instincts about such matters, so please enjoy this photo of my foot pixilated within an inch of its life.
Long story short, I’ve been hobbling around since March, first on crutches, then on one crutch, and, now, a cane. Thank goodness Ellen and Alex have been so willing and eager to help me throughout my long, painful, and persistent gimpy period.
I’m in PT and am getting better, but it’s been a long road that has sapped me of my motivation to do much of anything, including promote my upcoming picture book. But that’s a post for another day. 🙂
Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! 
Gosh, some people will do anything to avoid writing! But seriously, I’m sorry you’ve had that kind of year! It sucks! Looking forward to the new penguini book though! Here’s hoping the rest of this year will be filled with enough good things to make up for all the bad!
Aw, thank you, Susanna. I’ve declared 2024 to be a “Rebuilding Year,” a 12-month preparation for a happy, prosperous, and pain-free 2025. Here’s hoping all goes according to plan!
I have grandkids now, Mike! A great excuse to buy your books! 🙂
YAY! Thanks! Book purchases make my ankle hurt less!
Welcome back to postie land, Mike. We’ve been sharing likes on Instagram posts of capys and such, but they pale in the wit and digression of a Mike blog post. Yeah, what is it with those comments by old guys? Although when pregnant (ask Ellen) it’s old ladies who make the comments. Take care and don’t be a stranger to world of WordPress.
Your capy messages have gotten me though some, cranky achy days, my friend!
I haven’t posted here for almost a year! That said, I cant think of a better post to be at the top of my blog feed for all that time than your read-aloud with an appreciative Guinea Big.
Capys can get a person through the grouchiest days. I discovered a nearby petting zoo that has a resident capybara! I will keep you posted. Looking forward to more adventures from the witty Mike Allegra.
Wait, I have to be witty now? Come oooon.
Writing about penguin does that to a person.
I suppose…
I’m glad you’re up and wobbling around with just a cane. What a long haul you’ve been through. May this be THE LAST operation anywhere on your body. You’ve done enough.
Thank you so much, my friend! Your kindness doing my convalescence meant a great deal to me. BTW: I’m going to get something out in the mail to you next week…
Gee whiz, I’m so sorry. I honestly don’t know what it is with old men and their need comment. It’s like they’ve been waiting for it their entire lives and of course, they see you hobbling down the road, “Here comes a good one!” Next time, be sure to tell them it was breast reduction surgery. You can even add, “It’s a long story. Don’t ask!” Feel better.
Those stupid old man comments need to be stopped–by legal means if necessary.
My thought is, the old buggers will be heavily fined for their first two stupid comment violations. If they commit a third offense, their lips will be sewn together.
You’re a lawyer, do you see any problems with this proposal?
Hmm . . . On the advice of counsel, I’ve been told not to answer this one.
I’ll interpret your silence as wholehearted support. Thanks, Robin!
Just ugh. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. But I’m glad you still have a some semblance of a sense of humor. Hang in there. And I’m looking forward to checking out your new book. Oh, and sometimes I think those old men feel the need to be “funny” because it makes them feel relevant….to themselves. Cheers!
Thanks so much, Jil! And congrats on your new (award-winning!) PB! I knew you would take this industry by storm!
Best wishes to you and your family.
It’s good to see you here. I’m really sorry about all the issues with your surgeries. At least they left your sense of humour intact. If you decide to glam it up, I know where to find bedazzled canes. 😉
Thanks so much for the kind words, Michelle!
If I do get a new cane, I’ll want it to be badassed. Maybe have a sword in the hilt to threaten jocular old men?
My wife injured her ankle a few years ago. Just by chance we had purchased a cane the week before at a garage sale for one dollar. It wasn’t just any cane, but the type you might see on the cover of book of Mother Goose stories, or used by Silas Barnaby to rap on someone’s head. The cane got her a lot of funny looks, but she didn’t back down from using it. I always assumed if the day came when I needed a cane I would just get a really nice umbrella. Then I have that two-in-one thing going. But best of luck to you, old boy. I hope you are soon back on your feet.
Oh, I need a photo of this cane you speak of!
2024 has been surprisingly crappy. Glad to see you didn’t break your sense of humor. Sending lots of good healing thoughts your way!
Thanks so much, Lauri! It’s great to hear from you!
We will all be cheering for PIRATE & PENGUIN 2 FEW CREW as well as for your speedy recovery Mike!
Thank you for everything, critique buddy! Here’s hoping all is well with you, your family, your yard rodents, and your stellar PB career!
Ah, Mike, I promise not to make any hilarious quips. Your ankle looks painful, but I’m glad to hear it’s on the mend. Thanks for giving an update. I’d hoped you were on some wild adventure, but quite the opposite. Rest up and take care.
Thanks for the kind words D. Wallace! But wait, getting your ankle broken several times isn’t adventurous enough for ya?
Not quite the kind of adventure I had in mind. Yeesh. 😀
When I was on crutches, I had to go to an event. The hostess said, “Did you come just so you could get attention?” I was mortified. The exact opposite, thank you very much. I would like to have said, “Shut your mouth, or I’ll murder you,” but somehow don’t think that would have gone over well. And did you really say that?
I guess I’m pleased(?) to report old men left me alone when I was on crutches. Maybe it’s only a man to man thing.
Sorry, dude. I feel your pain.
I did say that, but I was defending my new bride against Old Man Jackassetry, so I was justified. That said, I had no intention of murdering the old man. My plan was to let The Relentless March of Time do the dirty work for me.
That hostess you speak of sounds like she could’ve used an attitude adjustment. How on earth did you reply to that?
If you encounter such scorn in the future, please feel free to borrow my line. It get results!
The relentless march of time do the dirty work for you! Love that! And I can only imagine his expression when you said that to him.
To the hostess, I just looked aghast and emphatically said no.
I shall remember your line for the future!
Glad I could be of service! (We perpetually hobbled folks need to stick together!)
Lol! 🙂
I think you should have laughed, then responded to the hostess, “Yes! Did it work?”
Thanks so much for your blog…….its very relatable I’m going through the same thing I broke my talus bone recently this year had to go through the whole 9 including the surgery…..and of course dealing with people that’s very nosey and the old men that makes those type of jokes…..one came up to me and said “who did you make upset” 😳 I just looked blankly….i don’t think it’s funny my ankle is in pain 🤣 thanks for the good blog
Thanks, French Toast! And I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. It’s a rough road going through this ankle business.
Get well and be patient with the recovery. (And do consider threatening to murder those pesky old men. It gets some pretty good results!)
Welcome back!
Thanks, Emma!
You are most welcome! 😀
Been there, done that, twice! Ankle replacement that is. Not looking forward to Revision that I have have soon due to collapsed Talus. Nice to know others out there who’ve been through same thing!
TWO ankle replacements! Holy crow! Sending best wishes to you!
Get well soon ✌️
I’ll try my best, Heidi-Marie!
Wow. It looks like you had a rough year here fellow Blogger. I am so sorry about the surgery and it looks very nasty..
Well, at least you are done and dusted with that surgery. Take care and well, I am sorry again, I hate hospitals, that’s all💯🙏
Thank you, Mthobisi! I was only in the hospital for one night, but that was more than enough time for me. If I’m going to be in pain, I want to experience that pain in my own bed!