Sheet Happens

Photo on 2015-03-16 at 13.07 #2As longtime readers of the blog know, I injure myself a lot.

This would almost be OK if the causes of my injuries were even the slightest bit manly. But they aren’t. None of them.

I would give almost anything to be able to say that I got all those stitches in my hand by thwarting a knife attack. Or that I broke my big toe in Desert Storm.

But truth is lamer than fiction. I sliced my hand open doing dishes. I broke my toe falling down a stair. That’s right. A stair. One. Single. Stair.

My most embarrassing injury, however, occurred last year when I broke my left ring finger.

“How did you do that?” my friends asked, noticing my splint.

“Hospital corners,” I’d mumble.

“Hospital what? You broke it in a hospital?”

“No,” I sighed. “I was making hospital corners. I was making my bed. I tucked in the sheets with a little too much enthusiasm, I guess.”

In reply, my friends gave me a wide-eyed, wary, unsettled look, as if I had just told them I contracted tuberculosis and then proceeded to cough on their iPhones.

I’d like to say that my sheet tucking injury was an isolated incident, but it wasn’t. Less than a year before I had torn a tendon in my left middle finger doing the exact same thing.

Apparently bed-making is very dangerous.

I do learn from my mistakes, however. (I learn especially well when I make those mistakes more than once.) And now I can assert that my tucking-related injuries will now be a thing of the past.

I am proud to introduce The TuckMaster 2100!

TuckMasterYou might think this is a spatula. My wife thinks this, too. But you’re all wrong. This little beauty is a fully functional, time saving, injury preventing, stylish and aerodynamic, sheet tucking system. No moving parts! No batteries required!

It works like a charm. Now when I make the beds, I let the TuckMaster 2100 do the hard work. It effortlessly slips between the mattress and the box spring and tucks better than my hands ever did.

Better still, my fragile, brittle fingers are forever out of harm’s way!

Well, they’re out of harm’s way until I do the dishes. I still have no solution for that one.

Pray for me.

130 Replies to “Sheet Happens”

  1. Ha! We should wear helmets and pads.
    I have been blogging about my latest mishap. When I saw both feet in the air, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Broken wrist. Last year on the same day, I had knee surgery. Two more weekends inside and I can hit slopes. Tons of snow dumped last night in Colorado. Gah!

      1. Exactly like yours. I was walking on my deck and slipped on ice. In my defense, it was under the snow and I wore boots which are usually beasts. Never saw it coming.

  2. I should go and patent that TuckMaster 2100 straight away – you’re onto a winner! 😀 I’ve never broken my fingers making the bed but often they come away bruised and scratched. Keep safe.

      1. Normally I don’t allow ads on this blog, but, dang, this could not be more relevant. If you ever need a spokesperson, I’m your guy! Please note: I’ll have five books coming out next year, so I could even sort of, kinda, maybe be a iffy-ish celebrity endorser!

  3. Necessity is the mother AND father of invention! Look out QVC and Lori Grenier. (sp? I don’t know these things except via Shark Tank)

  4. Ha ha ha. Too funny. I don’t make beds, Mike. I thought it was because I’m lazy, but now I’m convinced it’s an instinctual case of self-preservation. I think I should stop doing dishes too. 🙂

      1. My thought has always been why make the bed when I’m just going to come home and mess it up again. It also doesn’t help encourage me anymore. when my fiance and I have separate blankets and 2 or 3 pillows each.

  5. I’ve had a few ridiculous injuries myself, but this post reminded me of my brother. When we were children, he broke his finger doing a handstand. I relentlessly made fun of him for that for many years afterwards.

  6. Yep sell it. People will all make the same assumption that it is a spatula. I guess it is similar to that other device we discussed previously, the spider catcher. Looks just like a glass and a piece of card but no, it’s a spider catcher. Mundane inventions bring in the most exciting of riches.

  7. Mike, I’m so sorry about your latest injury. I can truly understand. I once walked into a box, felt nothing, and walked on. The next morning my foot was black-and-blue . . . broke a toe in two places. Then, after eight months in a wheelchair (hip replacement with broken leg), I finally walk . . . and break a toe with the first step. That was last June and it still completely healed. This condition–whatever you call it–might be genetic. At least I hope so. I’d hate to think I’m simply being a klutz.

    You might want to try one of those scrubby brushes on a handle for the glasses. It might work well for other dishes too.

      1. Bubblewrapping me sounds like fun, but it would not work. Everyone, including the animals–have a little dog now–LOVE to pop bubblewrap, me included. I imagine the wrap would last only a day and I would get hurt in the popping of bubbles.

        Glad you are no longer injured. Two injuries at once is not good. Now you are free to injure something else. Be careful, very careful.

  8. Ha, I think you should go on a late-night informercial and pedal your new tool. Just change it up a bit so nobody cries patent infringement. You could widen it, add a light–the possibilities are endless!

  9. Huh, I never knew there was a tendon in the middle finger. I’m still thinking through that one….
    I’m smiling at your little mishaps, Mike. Whoops, I probably shouldn’t say little. I should say, “injuries caused by being a man and keeping the house (and the bed) in shipshape condition.” You are a Wonderman, and besides creating a sheet-tucking spatula, you should start working on your WONDERMAN outfit.
    Maybe with some extra padding at the fingers and toes….

  10. Haha! I’m in my 60s and I still tuck those corners the way my mother taught me. I have not broken any fingers, but I always have to pause to make sure I am folding just the right way. Hahahaha. Thanks for the post.

      1. I don’t know anything about their finger durability, but I’m pretty certain they can handle one step at a time and don’t know what a hospital corner is—aside from where they leave guys with low testosterone heaped in a pile.

      2. Do you know what? Sometimes it is too late. It’s like that lie we tell kids about how they can be anything they want or do whatever they want if they just work hard enough. I’ve met lots of folks who busted their asses and sacrificed everything but didn’t get to do what they want.

      3. True, but failing after great effort is of greater value than never trying. I’d rather fail than be filled with doubt about whether I maybe coulda succeeded if I had only tried.

        Hm. It seems our conversation has taken a turn for the profound, Exile.

      4. Excellent point. Logic beats a bad attitude every time.

        I’ve never seen the words “profound” and “conversation” used in a sentence that related to me. And I thought it was going to be just another dull Wednesday.

      5. Isn’t that part and parcel why the internet was invented? So you can sit in a dark corner somewhere and anonymously poke a bear with a pointy stick?

        Actually…if the musical Avenue Q is to be believed, the internet is for porn. So that’s it. Being kinda rude and porn. Don’t blame me!

  11. I’d like to place my order for two TuckMaster 2100s, said the lady who broke her hand tripping over the handle of an upright vacuum two months ago.

    Seriously, what a great idea. I must try that…I still have a hard time making beds and the contortions I go through when it comes to tucking in on those thick mattresses…It’s not a pretty sight. I’m going to try this tomorrow and I’ll let you know what I think.

    Is there a money back guarantee if it doesn’t work…or if I’m too klutzy to make it work?

      1. Me too! You don’t realize how much you use something until it hurts to use it. So many things I still can’t do….whaaaah!

      2. I know exactly what you mean. When I was in my early twenties I contracted a terrible virus that crushed my radial nerve. I lost most of the function in my right arm for more than six months.

        I clearly remember standing in the shower one night thinking, “How can I wash my left arm when I only have a left hand?”

      3. OMG! Yes! I have to admit…personal grooming hasn’t been perfect…washing my LONG hair was ridiculous for the first month. Im so happy I can do most things now…just slowly and carefully.

  12. Duvets definitely help cut corners in bed making. Corners are nice but I’d rather spend energy of the gathering of dust bunnies and thumby mirrors. Wait–don’t you have a story about herding wayward bunnies?

  13. I had no idea it was actually possible to get injured while making beds. I guess I am at risk a lot more than I had initially thought. And that you could use a spatul…I mean, an extremely inventive device called “The Tuckmaster 2100” to make these beds. I just use a younger sister instead for my needs.

    1. I had no idea it was possible to get injured making a bed as well — until I got injured making a bed. TWICE!

      And do be careful about abusing younger siblings. They grow up. And revenge is a dish best served cold.

  14. It would be a lot easier if everyone just used sleeping bags. Much safer maybe, but watch that big zipper – it’s got teeth..and then there’s the long strings that normally tie the thing up in a roll – but you can fix those by cutting them off…if they let you use the scissors.

  15. The Tuckmaster…that rocks!!! I feel you, Mike. I think we’ve discussed my ridiculous clumsiness before. I was just on another blog talking about this same topic. Mr. H has two nicknames dedicated to my clumsy cause…Crash and The Dropper.

    Thankfully my bones are solid, otherwise I would have quite the physical track record with the strange incidents that have occurred over the years.

  16. And I thought I was the only self injurer in the world. My mother used to say “No one ever has to do anything to hurt you. You do it to yourself!”. While I have never broken a finger, I have burned myself in 3 different places with a heating pad (yes the same heating pad). I have cut myself on the four fingers of my left hand and I have the scars to prove it. I spilled scalding hot spaghetti sauce all over my legs when I was twelve. Thankfully the scars have faded. I have gotten countless black and blue marks from running into things. Welcome to the club! Hi, my name is Lynette and I am a self injurer . . .

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