As longtime readers of the blog know, I injure myself a lot.
This would almost be OK if the causes of my injuries were even the slightest bit manly. But they aren’t. None of them.
I would give almost anything to be able to say that I got all those stitches in my hand by thwarting a knife attack. Or that I broke my big toe in Desert Storm.
But truth is lamer than fiction. I sliced my hand open doing dishes. I broke my toe falling down a stair. That’s right. A stair. One. Single. Stair.
My most embarrassing injury, however, occurred last year when I broke my left ring finger.
“How did you do that?” my friends asked, noticing my splint.
“Hospital corners,” I’d mumble.
“Hospital what? You broke it in a hospital?”
“No,” I sighed. “I was making hospital corners. I was making my bed. I tucked in the sheets with a little too much enthusiasm, I guess.”
In reply, my friends gave me a wide-eyed, wary, unsettled look, as if I had just told them I contracted tuberculosis and then proceeded to cough on their iPhones.
I’d like to say that my sheet tucking injury was an isolated incident, but it wasn’t. Less than a year before I had torn a tendon in my left middle finger doing the exact same thing.
Apparently bed-making is very dangerous.
I do learn from my mistakes, however. (I learn especially well when I make those mistakes more than once.) And now I can assert that my tucking-related injuries will now be a thing of the past.
I am proud to introduce The TuckMaster 2100!
You might think this is a spatula. My wife thinks this, too. But you’re all wrong. This little beauty is a fully functional, time saving, injury preventing, stylish and aerodynamic, sheet tucking system. No moving parts! No batteries required!
It works like a charm. Now when I make the beds, I let the TuckMaster 2100 do the hard work. It effortlessly slips between the mattress and the box spring and tucks better than my hands ever did.
Better still, my fragile, brittle fingers are forever out of harm’s way!
Well, they’re out of harm’s way until I do the dishes. I still have no solution for that one.
Pray for me.
Hey, Look! A Writer Fellow! 
Ha! We should wear helmets and pads.
I have been blogging about my latest mishap. When I saw both feet in the air, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. Broken wrist. Last year on the same day, I had knee surgery. Two more weekends inside and I can hit slopes. Tons of snow dumped last night in Colorado. Gah!
Dang! Were these skiing accidents or I-Fell-Down-One-Step accidents?
Exactly like yours. I was walking on my deck and slipped on ice. In my defense, it was under the snow and I wore boots which are usually beasts. Never saw it coming.
Oh, you have a good reason for falling. I’m still not sure how I managed it. My one step was carpeted and indoors.
Me either! Ha! …sorry… 🙂
I should go and patent that TuckMaster 2100 straight away – you’re onto a winner! 😀 I’ve never broken my fingers making the bed but often they come away bruised and scratched. Keep safe.
Don’t you dare, Annika! I’m gonna be rich! Rich, I tell you! RICH!
We had the same problem but made an even better solution!! Check out The Tucker – http://www.TheBedTucker.com
Normally I don’t allow ads on this blog, but, dang, this could not be more relevant. If you ever need a spokesperson, I’m your guy! Please note: I’ll have five books coming out next year, so I could even sort of, kinda, maybe be a iffy-ish celebrity endorser!
Mike, I’m glad you got some help. 🙂
Oh, I need all the help I can get.
Single stairs are the worst. Better a toe than a hip!
Amen to that, Mr. Narrator.
Necessity is the mother AND father of invention! Look out QVC and Lori Grenier. (sp? I don’t know these things except via Shark Tank)
It would be a hoot to pitch a spatula on QVC, calling it a Bed-Tucking System. I wonder how many rubes would fall for it?
I could have used that when I worked in the VA hospital! This is definitely one of those “Why didn’t I think of that?” moments.
I should’ve starred in MacGyver.
Scratch that. I could never sport a mullet.
Haha….I love the Tuckmaster 2100. This is why I have a duvet and no top sheet. It saves the risk of injury. If I come up with a solution for your dishes, I’ll be sure to let you know!
No sheet?! My, goodness, Sue! You’re living like an animal!
An animal with unbroken fingers!
Ha ha ha. Too funny. I don’t make beds, Mike. I thought it was because I’m lazy, but now I’m convinced it’s an instinctual case of self-preservation. I think I should stop doing dishes too. 🙂
Does *someone* in your house make beds, or do you just periodically hurl a pile of clean blankets on a naked mattress and call it a day?
Hurl.
Well, that one way to solve the problem, I suppose.
I am now sadly shaking my head in your direction, D. Wallace. Shaking it very, very sadly.
I do yank the fitted sheet around the corners, Mike. But the rest of it seems like an exercise in futility. 🙂 🙂
My thought has always been why make the bed when I’m just going to come home and mess it up again. It also doesn’t help encourage me anymore. when my fiance and I have separate blankets and 2 or 3 pillows each.
Separate blankets? So each half of the bed is differently blanketed?
I have a habit of stealing the blankets while asleep so he insists on having his own blanket that I can’t steal from him.
You two will have a long and happy marriage.
Oh dear, we’re ganging up on the bed-makers of the world. 😀 It is one chore that I see no upside to doing!
*sigh* It’s not easy being anal retentive.
😀
My head is still shaking D. Wallace.
Hehe
Last August I sprained my ankle jumping out of bed to answer the door. I like the TuckMaster. I wonder if I can teach my cat to use it to make the bed so I don’t have to…
I hope the person waiting for you at the door was worth the pain.
Maintenance looking to see if work had been done. It had. So not so much, no, alas.
Poop.
‘Cause spraining you ankle to find your soulmate at the door is kinda romantic.
Sigh. True. Maybe this year.
Just don’t sprain your ankle this time.
Amen to that!
Hey you need one of those guys to sell it on TV then you will be so rich you can hire others to do the menial stuff!
If I made enough money I could also afford to do the household chores wearing an Iron Man suit.
hahahahahahaha oh LOVE IT!
I’ve had a few ridiculous injuries myself, but this post reminded me of my brother. When we were children, he broke his finger doing a handstand. I relentlessly made fun of him for that for many years afterwards.
You’re a terrible person, Imagine.
I can tell we’re going to be best friends.
HAHA! I’m not sure that’s a compliment but since the word “friends” was included, I’ll let it slide. 😉
Excellent.
You crazy guy! You should film yourself tucking the sheets in with that.
As soon as I get the infomercial filmed I’ll share the footage with you.
Yep sell it. People will all make the same assumption that it is a spatula. I guess it is similar to that other device we discussed previously, the spider catcher. Looks just like a glass and a piece of card but no, it’s a spider catcher. Mundane inventions bring in the most exciting of riches.
Mundane inventions also bring in the highest profit margins.
I like the way you think, Nick.
Mike, I’m so sorry about your latest injury. I can truly understand. I once walked into a box, felt nothing, and walked on. The next morning my foot was black-and-blue . . . broke a toe in two places. Then, after eight months in a wheelchair (hip replacement with broken leg), I finally walk . . . and break a toe with the first step. That was last June and it still completely healed. This condition–whatever you call it–might be genetic. At least I hope so. I’d hate to think I’m simply being a klutz.
You might want to try one of those scrubby brushes on a handle for the glasses. It might work well for other dishes too.
Oh, I’m not injured now, but I probably will be soon, because that’s the way I roll.
That said, HOLY COW, Sue! Someone needs to bubblewrap you!
Bubblewrapping me sounds like fun, but it would not work. Everyone, including the animals–have a little dog now–LOVE to pop bubblewrap, me included. I imagine the wrap would last only a day and I would get hurt in the popping of bubbles.
Glad you are no longer injured. Two injuries at once is not good. Now you are free to injure something else. Be careful, very careful.
I’m going with Jilanne’s chainmail idea.
You my Friend, are never out of funny things to say.
Thank you, kind sir.
Ha, I think you should go on a late-night informercial and pedal your new tool. Just change it up a bit so nobody cries patent infringement. You could widen it, add a light–the possibilities are endless!
I would be the perfect actor for the “Does this happen to you?” part.
Maybe you are not a tuck-er-er, but now you’re an inventor-or. Think of all the bruised fingers the Tuckmaster 2100 will help.
Sorry about your boo-boos. 😀 😀 😀
Thank you for your pity, Tess. Perhaps I could be the next Ron Popeil. The TuckMaster 2100 is no Pocket Fisherman, but it’s a start!
Sometimes small steps, Mike. 😀 😀 😀 The TuckMaster may become a hit. It may need a little time to catch on.
Have you patented it, yet? You’ll make millions! And as someone whose family cringes when I start wielding knives, I suggest you wash dishes while wearing chainmail gloves….
Chainmail gloves. Hm… Perhaps you and I should go into business together.
Sorry to hear this. I may share this with hubby. I hate tucking sheets. Sigh. I never do it with gusto, so that’s likely why my husband has to redo it and i’m never injured.
Oh, I see through your plan. You do a half-keistered tucking job in order to get someone else to do it for you! For shame, Stacy! For shame!
I’m just in awe that you make the bed.
You mister embody my dream world.
TuckMaster 2100? Bonus!
Oh, you!
Huh, I never knew there was a tendon in the middle finger. I’m still thinking through that one….
I’m smiling at your little mishaps, Mike. Whoops, I probably shouldn’t say little. I should say, “injuries caused by being a man and keeping the house (and the bed) in shipshape condition.” You are a Wonderman, and besides creating a sheet-tucking spatula, you should start working on your WONDERMAN outfit.
Maybe with some extra padding at the fingers and toes….
Oh, I’m a wonderman, alright. As in, it’s a wonder I’m not dead yet.
Please take care of yourself – we all need your brand of blogging entertainment!! With a daffy doodle here and there. 🤗
Thank you. It’s nice to feel appreciated.
and a new daffy doodle is coming tomorrow!
Laughed until I cried! Sorry. But, this is another great story entry. I do feel badly for you, but I love how your turn everything into humor.
If I can get someone to laugh at my pain then I’ve done my job.
Haha! I’m in my 60s and I still tuck those corners the way my mother taught me. I have not broken any fingers, but I always have to pause to make sure I am folding just the right way. Hahahaha. Thanks for the post.
My mom was a stickler for sharp, precise bed corners as well. I’ve snapped fingers in a quixotic attempt to imitate her exacting standards.
You are a good son, Mike. I bet your mother is proud of you, and your efforts to make a quarter-popping bed.
You are too kind.
And what should one presume if one were not a longtime reader but, rather, one who recently stumbled here? That you are a clumsy fellow with low testosterone? Would that be accurate?
Not sure where your testosterone theory comes from. Do roided people have especially sturdy fingers?
I don’t know anything about their finger durability, but I’m pretty certain they can handle one step at a time and don’t know what a hospital corner is—aside from where they leave guys with low testosterone heaped in a pile.
Ah. I think what you mean is low BROsterone. In that case, yes, I have none of that crap. Bros make all men look bad.
Allegra is an antihistamine used to treat chronic skin hives and itching. No, really! I’m serious!
No need to thank me.
Dang. I should’ve paid attention in chemistry class. You eggheads get all the glory.
It’s never too late. Lower your brosterone and you’ll be well on your way to a life of fame and fortune (and freak injuries).
Do you know what? Sometimes it is too late. It’s like that lie we tell kids about how they can be anything they want or do whatever they want if they just work hard enough. I’ve met lots of folks who busted their asses and sacrificed everything but didn’t get to do what they want.
True, but failing after great effort is of greater value than never trying. I’d rather fail than be filled with doubt about whether I maybe coulda succeeded if I had only tried.
Hm. It seems our conversation has taken a turn for the profound, Exile.
Excellent point. Logic beats a bad attitude every time.
I’ve never seen the words “profound” and “conversation” used in a sentence that related to me. And I thought it was going to be just another dull Wednesday.
And I look forward to future conversations with you — profound and otherwise.
Hey, *new* guy, you’re being kinda rude to me friend, here.
Isn’t that part and parcel why the internet was invented? So you can sit in a dark corner somewhere and anonymously poke a bear with a pointy stick?
Actually…if the musical Avenue Q is to be believed, the internet is for porn. So that’s it. Being kinda rude and porn. Don’t blame me!
I was hoping we had reached an understanding, Exile. Settle down. We are civil here.
Too much? All apologies. An inauspicious debut.
No worries. All’s cool.
I’d like to place my order for two TuckMaster 2100s, said the lady who broke her hand tripping over the handle of an upright vacuum two months ago.
Seriously, what a great idea. I must try that…I still have a hard time making beds and the contortions I go through when it comes to tucking in on those thick mattresses…It’s not a pretty sight. I’m going to try this tomorrow and I’ll let you know what I think.
Is there a money back guarantee if it doesn’t work…or if I’m too klutzy to make it work?
If you are not completely satisfied I will give you back all of the money you first gave me.
Seriously, though, I’m so sorry about your hand.
Me too! You don’t realize how much you use something until it hurts to use it. So many things I still can’t do….whaaaah!
I know exactly what you mean. When I was in my early twenties I contracted a terrible virus that crushed my radial nerve. I lost most of the function in my right arm for more than six months.
I clearly remember standing in the shower one night thinking, “How can I wash my left arm when I only have a left hand?”
OMG! Yes! I have to admit…personal grooming hasn’t been perfect…washing my LONG hair was ridiculous for the first month. Im so happy I can do most things now…just slowly and carefully.
Well, take it easy, OK?
Duvets definitely help cut corners in bed making. Corners are nice but I’d rather spend energy of the gathering of dust bunnies and thumby mirrors. Wait–don’t you have a story about herding wayward bunnies?
I do not have a story about dust bunny removal. Perhaps I will rectify this.
As for actual bunnies, I am, sadly, allergic. If I wasn’t, my house would be hopping with Belgian hares.
Bunnies almost as endearing as guinea pigs. They hop when happy.
Pigs do too! Just not as high.
Bulldogs and some pits hop when excitedly running.
But nothing beats a blorpy, popcorning guinea pig!
Just stop making the bed. safer
Oh, Mary Jane, I am much too persnickety and anal retentive to consider such an option.
Haha! This post is amazing in every way 🙂
Oh, you!
If you sold it on tv you would make a fortune!
That seems to be the consensus around these parts.
And now the gears are turning…
Fun! Oops. Sorry. I mean: I am so sorry that this misfortune has fallen unto you, and that people think that your new invention looks like a spatula.
I’m going to go in the corner and laugh. 😉
Go ahead. I expect nothing less from you, you cruel, cruel person!
I had no idea it was actually possible to get injured while making beds. I guess I am at risk a lot more than I had initially thought. And that you could use a spatul…I mean, an extremely inventive device called “The Tuckmaster 2100” to make these beds. I just use a younger sister instead for my needs.
I had no idea it was possible to get injured making a bed as well — until I got injured making a bed. TWICE!
And do be careful about abusing younger siblings. They grow up. And revenge is a dish best served cold.
Praying for you Mike and your diabolically delicate digits. May God give them strength!
You are a fine friend, Roly. A fine friend indeed.
It would be a lot easier if everyone just used sleeping bags. Much safer maybe, but watch that big zipper – it’s got teeth..and then there’s the long strings that normally tie the thing up in a roll – but you can fix those by cutting them off…if they let you use the scissors.
I hear you Philosopher, but if I wanted to sleep in a sack, I’d go camping.
I do not go camping.
The Tuckmaster…that rocks!!! I feel you, Mike. I think we’ve discussed my ridiculous clumsiness before. I was just on another blog talking about this same topic. Mr. H has two nicknames dedicated to my clumsy cause…Crash and The Dropper.
Thankfully my bones are solid, otherwise I would have quite the physical track record with the strange incidents that have occurred over the years.
The Dropper sounds like a superhero name!
Here’s your catchphrase: “Looks like I got the drop on you!”
Then you put your hands on your hips and laugh.
Oh for the love of Pete! I’m just glad you’re still in one piece!
As am I, Sandee. As am I.
And I thought I was the only self injurer in the world. My mother used to say “No one ever has to do anything to hurt you. You do it to yourself!”. While I have never broken a finger, I have burned myself in 3 different places with a heating pad (yes the same heating pad). I have cut myself on the four fingers of my left hand and I have the scars to prove it. I spilled scalding hot spaghetti sauce all over my legs when I was twelve. Thankfully the scars have faded. I have gotten countless black and blue marks from running into things. Welcome to the club! Hi, my name is Lynette and I am a self injurer . . .
Lol! I was tickled at the adjectives you used to describe the spatula! Very clever #TuckMaster! Eh, btw, are you insured?! 😊
Insured? Oh, Lordy, yes!